well, that didn't work out.

Life just got in the way.

It's always something. I will be doing it again, as part of those crazy new year things where everyone is motivated to go to the gym and get healthy.

But I will.

The boyfriend bought roller-blades yesterday. I'll be getting some after Christmas. We plan to blade around Stanley Park. I think the first time I'll bike and then after I get some local areas down with the blades, Ill try the Park. It is insane. I wobble like a kid learning to walk when I blade, but it's fun and it's active and it's something that me and the man can do together.

I'm excited and happy still. I'm doing crazy well on my thesis and I feel good about that. Now that my mind is in a good place, my body should follow. I'm even drinking water as I type. Woohoo for water.

little things make my day

It's so weird what makes me happy. I'm down two lbs on the scale, which is great. I don't know how I did it - there has still been nightly beer drinking b.c. of my writing - but I'll take it with gratitude.

I'm a little stressed about going home for the holidays though. Last year I had a 22 lb weight loss and it was noticeable in my face but that won't be the uncomfortable part. I hate it when my family watches what I eat. They know I'm making this change and they make jokes about my food choices when I do have a piece of home-made pie, or I do share a cinnamon bun with the boyfriend. It's frustrating! Argh.

But - and I say this with total love - fuck 'em. I can't do this while worrying about what people think! How incredibly hard that must be. I can only focus on me and mine and let the rest worry about their business.

Besides, I still have a month to prep myself. My, how I love Christmas!

internet food diaries

I am keeping notes of my food in a journal I keep in my purse - that way it's always with me. But I also want to throw this on the web. I just can't decide the best way to do it.

How do you do it? What works for you? What don't you like? Are pictures awesome or annoying?

Me, I like clean simple lines. I need to take a look around the blogosphere to see some styles.

my cousin sucks... and rocks

My cousin joined Herbal Magic Weight Loss and lost 50+ lbs over the last six months.

I kind of hate her now.

I say that with total love.

It's that jealousy thing, you know. I'm not such an amazing person that I don't feel jealousy. It's just so hard to see. Her uncle is one of my best friends and he is constantly updating me on her status then asks me "So how are you doing?".

Yeah. Fuck you (with love).

It's not about comparing stats! I know that. But I *ahem* don't have any stats. And when she rocks out an amazing accomplishment like that (even with those creepy appetite suppression pills!) I get happy for her, angry at myself, sad for myself.

It's complex, yo'.

Tomorrow (or today - it is 3:35 am....) I promise to log all my food. It's a freaking baby step and one that I need to do. I just get overwhelmed when I fall off the wagon. There's so much to get back into. Tracking food, drinking water, going for walks, getting my ass nomadic again. SIGH.

Baby steps.

me and my nightly beer

As a writer, I'm one of those people that do things in certain ways to generate luck. Like the guy who will wear the same socks throughout the season to the hockey player who will only tape his stick in a certain way, I'm bound in my weird little tradition.

Every night once the man goes to bed, I crack open a cold beer and start writing my thesis.

Over the past week, I've generated 50 pages. And that's no laughing matter. It is amazing! The rush of writing inspiration has been insane and I'm going to ride it as long as possible.

So giving up alcohol is not really an option right now.

I know that it just makes you retain, it's useless calories, blah blah blah. But I write. Lots. So I'll do it.

I take this as a sign that my mind is not focused on weight loss like it needs to be, and that I'm just not "ready" for that mental-shift so many people experience when it comes to weight loss. And that does make me sad.

But I'm writing.

Do you have any weird traditions that aren't really "good" for you?

three flights of stairs... kill me

I had class yesterday and it was in a different building than the one I usually go to. I walked in and right behind me was my professor, a youngish guy - about 5'8, 160-170- lbs. So while I would have found the elevator, he conned me into talking with him and we steered towards the stairs. Up and up we went.

I was holding onto the railing lightly - not wanting him to think anything about how I would need the rail - while he was BOUNDING up the steps, and he kept freaking talking to me! I was already feeling the burn by the second stairs so damn.

But we talked, and I burned, and he smiled, and I felt like panting! Not from his smile - wahahah, no! - but from the freaking unintentional exercises I was getting.

It was over in less than a minute but damn. Daaaamn.

So while we kept walking and found the classroom, I managed to get my breathing under control and trying not to melt into a puddle by his feet.

We finally sat down, and I collapsed in my chair and took off my bunnyhug. As well as being a large, large woman, I have an extremely high body temp. I am always, always hot. It doesn't help that i am also fat, which just makes it worse.

So while he's not out of breath, just dandy, I am undressing, sweaty and panting.

And not in the good, fun way either!

Just another sign of how out-of-shape I am.

This sucks.

and my tummy is stuffed

So. We ate supper - rice and chicken with lots of veggies - and watch some TV. Mind you, I've only been up since 3 PM, and so supper for me is bfast. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

So we eat and watch some TV. And I'm nibbling on everything. I think I ate seven oranges, 2 apples, three pieces of ww bread. I'm just eating.

And I notice that the boyfriend hasn't eaten a thing!

He actually ate enough at supper to fill himself up, but not so much that he was stuffed. And he wasn't snacking. he ate, he met that food requirement his body needed, and he was busy doing something else.

Damn. Daaaaamn.

He's good.

He just didn't eat. How crazy is that?

I'm inspired by him. I think for a day, I'll eat like him. Just to see what it feels like.

welcome to the real world

weigh-in: 320.6 lbs

Man, that bites.

But honestly, what did I expect? I've gone and fallen off the wagon, took a flying leap off the bridge, and so forth and so forth. All those wonderful cliches that just mean - girl, you've gone and eaten the whole damn pie.

things i tell myself

This was from A Merry Life (love that girl):

What do you say to yourself about yourself? Is it positive? Is it negative?
Have you had to change it from negative to positive like I have?

What do I tell myself?

Honestly, it changes from day to day. Yesterday, for example, I was feeling good. I was in a good place mentally and emotionally. I told myself, over the course of the day:

1. Your hair rocks bitch. Work it out. Huh-uh. (then I danced)
2. Wow. Damn girl. Your eye make-up is taking it to the next level. Don't be afraid. Go there! (and then I took a thousand photos of myself)
3. Your ass may be flat because you've been sitting at that chair for hours but you have rocked out fifty pages of thesis-writing in less than a week. Go have that beer. (and then I drank)
4. Housecleaning is for wussies. (that had no relevance but I thought it!)

But don't get wrong, I have the bad days still. The days where I realize my jeans are snug, or that this middle tire is more prominent than I would like or when my boyfriend hugs me and I realize he has to lean over to hug me and we haven't hugged standing up straight in a long time - because my belly gets in the way.

I need to find pictures of that....

my weakness, my orgasm in a cup

I have this thing for Starbucks. We're tight, SB and me. I mean like, for real. every season - as the winds shift and the sun settles down - SB and I gather together, huddled against cool winds and the coming of snow, and we bond. That's how tight SB and I are.

SB might even be a bff. Yeah, we're tight like that. BFF style.

So you can imagine my utter disregard for the fact that this coffee is totally drenched in calories. How can a few measly calories stand between us, the best of friends?

To try (TRY!) and avoid complete and utter failure, I usually get non-fat, fat-free, skinny types of drinks. They're good. They're really good. But sometimes, you just need a venti non-fat pumpkin spice latte, with whip or a venti non-fat caremel brule latte, with whip and sprinkles. But it's fat-free milk, so that's got to count somewhere, right?

and she comes back, yet again

I was avoiding this blog because honestly, I suck at losing weight.

In all fairness, I wouldn't have a blog like this if I was a success at it, now would I?

Anyways, when I really suck at something and it's my fault, I tend to avoid stuff like that. I mean, who wouldn't? It's not like I repeatedly like reminding myself things like Girl - you gotta problem with your weight. You fat girl.

Cuz that's not fun, now is it?

I revamped the colours and style because I'm not a somber, serious person. Yes, this is a serious matter, but me - I like the rainbow, I like the glitz, I like the colour in life. So I'm trying to be as true as possible. And I figure liking the way your blog looks will keep you coming back, right?

I'm not gonna say this is a new start, because it ain't. I am gonna say that my ass should not get any fatter than it is already, and I gots to do something about it.

And yes, I tend to toss slang and swear words around. It may get annoying, it may not. But it will be there. I warn you now.

why I want to lose the weight

I want to grow old with my man.

I'm getting married in eleven months and all I really want is to be able to look him in the eyes and say: Yes, I will grow old with you. I will be there. I will hold our grandchildren. I will be by your side.

Right now, I don't feel like I can make those promises to him, let alone myself.

I have all these dreams of being with him. I want to travel like I see other people do. I want to have a ton of grandchildren. I want to watch him play with those said grandchildren - he's so good with kids. I want to us to start our own businesses. I want us to laugh and cry and laugh some more for year and years. And I want to be there. that's just it. I want to grow old with him and not die and not leave him too early.

I want to live with him. For a long, long time.

It's scary and sad that I have to worry about that, but I do.

*click on photo to go to source*

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to play on sports teams again.

I learned to skate when I was three. I played on hockey teams (with the boys) until I was fourteen. I remember going to hockey camps when all my friends were spending weeks at the beach. I remember changing in the boy's hockey room and being the only girl there. I remember when I first learned to skate backwards and how thrilling it felt to be able to move so swiftly. The feel of the thin blades beneath my feet, the coolness of the air inside a rink, the slash of ice as we skated back and forth, doing drills. Man, I miss hockey.

I started playing soccer when I was eight. I played on soccer teams until I was eighteen. I remember spending weeks at soccer tourneys and sleeping in a tent. The sweltering days, playing under the burning son. I remember the secret thrill of picking my usual number - 16 - and getting that jersey with my last name sprawled across the back. the nervous tension in my stomach as I waited for a game to start. The cattiness and absolute unity of a girl's soccer team. I miss the feel of running and kicking and breathing and success.

I started playing softball when I was thirteen. I played in summer softball tourneys until I was eighteen. My brother would wake me up, tell me to get ready and I would throw on some shorts, a sports bra, a tank, and away we would go. Playing random mis-matched teams, before we could have breakfast or coffee. The feel of the bat vibrating when I would hit a ball, long and hard. The crazy absolute insanity of running towards a ball flying towards you, trying to catch and tag at the same time.

And during all this, I was also playing volleyball, badminton, basketball and plenty of school sports. I ran long distance track (1000m) as well as high jump and the 100m. I was athletic and busy and a team player. I was a part of something that depended on me for my skills and athleticism.

I miss it. I miss being able to play with the boys and being a top-gun on the field. I want to be that girl again. The one usually chosen as Captain. the one who liked winning and had no problem giving it her all. The one chosen first for a team.

I miss that girl.

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to beautiful on my wedding day.

I know that a lot of plus-size brides are fabulous and gorgeous women. I've read about the weddings of a few bigger brides that rocked their dress, rocked their make-up, rocked their wedding day. they look so happy and content and in love. I love that.

But I don't think I can feel like that about my own body and image on my wedding day if I look like this. If I feel like an alien in my own skin. If I look in the mirror and see rolls and miles of flesh and lumps and just a general unhappiness.

Don't get me wrong - I love my life. I'm a very happy woman, despite my blog posts. I love life.

But I do not love my body. I am not happy with my body. I feel like I have let my body down.

So I want to lose some weight and tone up and feel beautiful on my wedding day. I don't expect to be super skinny but I expect to be strong, to be proud, to feel like I have done everything possible to make my body match my expectations.

This is why I want to lose weight.

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to have a baby.

I'm engaged. Getting married next fall. And as soon as we say "I do," the birth control gets thrown out the window. We've been together over eight years already and we are both ready - mentally and emotionally - to take that step.

I'm just worried my body is going to make it harder to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and to deliver a healthy baby.

I want to get my body at a healthy weight so I can carry my baby in good health, for it and for me. I want to use my body to its full advantage. I want to be able to say that I did all I could to make sure my baby came into this world healthy. That I took care of myself. That I took care of us.

Right now, if I were to miraculously get pregnant, it would be a hard pregnancy.

So this is a goal to work towards. A dream I'm dreaming. A status I want to achieve. Motherhood.

This is why I want to lose weight.

disappearing is not good

When I take off for a few days, it's because I'm being naughty. Case in point: making sugar cookies. I bought some cookie cutters (I plan on making Xmas gifts this year) and I wanted to test them out (having never baked before) and they work well. Now put the cookies away/give them away before I eat everything.

I'll be honest - these last few days have been crap, emotional eating. I'm spending Thanksgiving away from my family and it really, really bites. I am big on family. I am big on holidays. I am big... period.

So I'll take tonight to drink some water, drink some coffee and work on my thesis. To breathe and let go of the anxiety of the last few days. I am alive, I am healthy and my family is all well and healthy. I just have to remember that and breath.

tired morning

weigh-in day last night: 318.4 lbs

familiar.

will add more later. so tired.

my program: LA Weight Loss

LA Weightloss is a program where you eat real food[...]. It is a program that teaches you how to eat healthy foods in the right portions. It is not "low carb", but you won't be eating a bowl full of pasta, either. It is based on "exchanges" so that you eat in a balanced way every day. You will weigh in at your center three times per week and receive one-on-one counseling. There are no group sessions.

The program consists of three phases. Weight loss, Stabilization and Maintenance. The weight loss phase is estimated in weeks based on how much you want to lose. They estimate 2lb/week when setting up your program. So if you want to lose 30lbs, you will be purchasing 15 weight loss weeks. Stabilization is six weeks and maintenance is 52 weeks. Why so long? Because it is during this time you will reinforce your new behaviors so you will be less likely to regain the weight you have lost.

LA Lites:
The LA Lites are soy protein bars, and are also available in shakes, hot chocolate and soups. You will have two of these per day during weight loss and one per day during maintenance. These are purchased from the center. (note: these are not required for the plan to work).

Cost:
The program is actually not much more expensive than Weight Watchers. The difference is that you pay for your program up front. You will purchase your weight loss weeks, six weeks of stabilization and 52 weeks of maintenance. [...]

Guarantee:
If you do the lites, you will be "guaranteeed" a weight loss of 2lb/week. What this means is that if you don't lose that much per week and you need additional weeks to meet your goal, you can keep going to the center without charge until you reach your goal as long as you are purchasing the lites. Also, during maintenance, if you are within 5lb of your goal at the six month and one year benchmarks, you will receive 25% of your weeks purchased back at each one of those times.

There are also other supplements offered, but most are available at your local pharmacy for much less.

You don't have to do the lites. You can request an all-food plan. You just don't get the guarantee, and if you run out of weeks you will need to purchase more. This does not apply if you cannot do the lites due to a medical reason. You will fill out a questionnaire at the initial consultation and they will tell you if you are medically eligible to do the lites. Even if they deem you "eligible", if you have some reaction to them you may still be eligible for the guarantee. Your center will help you with that.

There are many people that are successful with and without the lites. It just depends on you. And you can always change your mind. You can try them for a few weeks and see how you like them. Some people cannot tolerate the soy. Some people need the two snacks a day to help curb cravings. Everybody is different.

Bottom Line:
What you need to realize is that the LAWL plan is totally different from any other plan you've been on before. Yes, they do things a lot differently than other programs, Weight Watchers included, but if those programs worked for you then you wouldn't be here. As a former WW person who probably joined WW at least 20 times, there was a lot to learn when I started. Some things just aren't on your plan at this time. The plan is a lot more strict than WW, but it works. If it didn't, you wouldn't see the successes that we have on this board. It also has a much more comprehensive maintenance program. You need to forget about what you've learned about dieting and losing weight over the years and embrace the program. It's a lot of change, but if you commit to it, the rewards are great.

{Source: 3 fat chicks on a diet}

sweaty bitch

{ photo source}

Well, I did it. I kicked ass on the elliptical today. My thighs felt like lead afterward, and I was feeling it, but I feel better. That I kept my word to my fiance, that I kept my word to myself. I'm so used to putting these promises on the back-burner and the feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough movement, that I'm not excercising.

Not today. I rocked it, and I feel damn good.

breakfast was indulgence

Today was my last day of "friend" indulgence. You know - when guests come over and it's just easier to eat what they eat. I scarfed down this chocolate thingie and skinny Starbucks like nothing. And it was good.

But it was only temporary. The day was a whole, hot mess of bad eating and that left me feeling nauseous and sick to my stomach in classes tonight. I felt woozy, light headed and like I was going to throw up.

Pay attention to your body bitch. It's telling you something.

That is what I'm thinking. I ate so much sodium today it's crazy. I feel it in my face, in my feet and in my head. And it is not good.

Thank god my excuse is gone. I also promised the boyfriend that I would work out tomorrow, since I indulged so much today. It helps me, being accountable to someone else.

and the guests are almost gone

I've weighed in at 316.4 lbs - so down 2 lbs from the 30th, which is great. I'll take it. I haven't been doing my food diary and my water intake is averaging 5 cups a day, which is better than the zero I was at before. My skin is slowly emerging from its crazy period oil fest and the water is really helping it calm down. Water is beauty - my new mantra.

While I did indulge in Mall Food, I tried to balance it out by walking the mall in a brisk fashion. I did work up a sheen for half an hour. It was uncomfortable, but then again, sweating always is. The rush of adrenaline isn't there for me yet. But it'll happen, it'll happen.

earned my dinner, yes I did

I went for a long two hour trek through trees, ropes and pulleys today. I sweated, gasped for breath, and took a ton of pictures (love that scenery) but it was good. I was tired after it - clammy, cold and tired - but it felt good. A nice ache in my bones that I haven't felt in a while.

Then I had the most delish supper ever - bbq ribs, mashed potatoes and a beautiful apple slaw. And a slice of pumpkin pie. Yum.

yesterday with guests

I have a guest this weekend. He's wonderful, funny and locving. I adore him. But it's always harder to eat right when guests are about.

Yesterday wasn't a huge failure. A healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner. Had six glasses of water. But then we all got restless and decided to go to a movie - Zombieland was hilarious! - but then I had a medium popcorn, with butter, and a large bag of peanut M7M's. I felt stuffed and a bit icky and of course, bloated. I did stick with water as I am weening myself off my daily Diet Coke, so that was good.

I did have a skinny cinnamon dolce latte. For those of you unfamiliar with Starbucks, that just means, sugar-free, non-fat, no whip. It's still super good. I am in love with it. No jokes. When I've had a really hard day - with writing - I splurge on a tall soy Pumpkin Spice Latte. The soy is so nutty and it tastes amazing when paired with pumpkin spice. It's decadent and good and fall-like.

But anyways, he'll be here until Monday so it will be a continuous decision process of what to eat and how to eat - but isn't that my life anyways?

and she's done with the doctor

Well, the outcome is what I expected. Somewhat embarrassing, somewhat liberating. Although it's never good to have bad news, at least I know what it is and I can work towards healing now. The doctor herself was very kind, compassionate and professional. Even though I was practically lying half-nekked in front of her, letting her poke around my nether regions. Yay for me.

I also got some great exercise in that I normally wouldn't have by walking around downtown - all hilly - looking for the walk-in clinic. It's all about the positive.

chilly mornings make me crawl back to bed

{photo source}

Since I started living on the coast, I have come to appreciate the coldness of a Prairie Winter. I appreciate the cold hard winds, the bone-chilling numbness and the dryness of it all. There's something so satisfying about knowing you'll be cold outside and warm inside.

Here, on the coast, you're just always cold. As the morning fog creeps away and the grey of the day settles in for the long haul, my apartment is cold. I have hardwood floors so my feet are cold. I'm wearing a tank that I slept in so my arms and hands are cold. All this just means that the warmest place is the bed that I left.

I will go back to bed. I'm a writer with weird hours so I'm a night owl, easily. And I've only managed a few hours of sleep so far. But cold - it's always harder in the cold.

The damp and wet feeling of the day makes me crave hot latte's, hot chocolate, pumpkin pie, cinnamon and apple pie, turkey and roast potatoes. A time for snuggling under the blankets, candles flickering, a fireplace roaring with flames. A time for baked goods, warm pastries and heavenly smells. I want comfort food and it doesn't help that I'm on Aunt Flo.

But... we must make do. Small sacrifices. I may not get all that, but I'll get a fantastic, freshly-ground cup of coffee over a latte any day. I'll get lean turkey breast and a wonderful salad instead. I'll bite a small square of dark chocolate over hot chocolate.

I'm going to focus on a healthy balance and awareness this month. I want to keep myself focused on what I'm eating and how that affects me. I want to food journal everything while maintaining my water intake as well.

finding a new family doctor

I've lived in my new city for a year and today is the first time that I need a doctor. It kind of sucks but it can't wait so I'm on the prowl to find me a female family physician, which apparently, is like finding the perfect bannock recipe - nice to think about, but unrealistic.

And to make matters worse, the area in question happens to be on the very upper area of my thigh, you know, that wonderful soft and fleshy place where thighs rub together and skin never sees the light of day... yeah, that place.

So I have to find a new doctor and essentially strip in front of them from the waist down, let them push aside my folds of upper thigh fat, and peer into my crotch region. Wonderful. I feel giddy already.

start of my progress pictures

a chilly Fall morning

{photograph: David Wise}

I woke up this morning, after a very late night, and sat at the computer. I work at the computer a lot. As a student in writing, I write. As a blogger with four active blogs, I blog. And there is emails, facebook and catching up on my other blogs.

I don't mind this time. It's a "me" time. I can just let my brain wake up slowly and get into the flow of things. I really enjoy taking my time in the morning, especially as the chill of Fall breezes through the city. Leaves are changing colour, days are getting shorter and a cup of coffee freshly brewed tastes fantastic.

Except I didn't have coffee.

A time for change. I drank my first glass of water this morning, mixed with some lemon juice.

I want to get my eight glasses a day in, and I am going to get my eight glasses a day in.

It seems like such a small goal but it isn't. I have always struggled with hydrating my body enough. After four or five cups, you kind of just get tired. Of peeing alll thhheee tttiiimmmmeee. But enough of that. I believe in positive thinking. I believe in change. And we all start somewhere.

Today, I start with water.

Tomorrow, the world.

ETA: got my eight glasses in!

a shy hello

This is my second attempt at an anonymous weight loss blog. I found that when I googled myself, my first blog still came up as I had used a similar email. Well, no more. Anonymous is where it's at.

But why anonymous?

The simple fact is that I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed enough that I care so much about my weight, that I let myself get this far, that I have this weakness. It's an issue that I'll be working on but for now, I'll make the change within and start working on the outside as I go through this struggle.

Anyways, who am I?

I'm a twenty-five year student, in my MFA program. I like Starbucks, scrapbooking, storytelling and obviously, I'm over-weight.

I am in the prime of my life in other matters - I'm engaged, I'm writing, I'm planning to start my photography business, I'm so very happy and fulfilled in my life - yet I don't want to go through the rest of my life as fat.

I got fat when I was eighteen. I left home, I stopped sports, and I started eating more and more unhealthy items. I didn't have self-control and it was all too easy to eat, drink and eat some more.

Pretty soon, I had a weight gain of 150 lbs in six years.

At my highest weight (March 13th, 2008), I weighed 325 lbs. It was insane.

So I'm making the change, slowly but surely. I currently weigh 318.4 lbs. And I plan to keep losing.

Nice to meet you.

Started: Sept. 30/2009 @ 318.4 lbs

October Weigh-In's:

Oct. 4th: 316.4 lbs
Oct. 7th: 318.4 lbs
Oct. 11th: 321.8 lbs
Oct. 14th: 325.0 lbs
Oct. 18th: 321.4 lbs
Oct. 21st: 319.4 lbs
Oct. 25th: 316.0 lbs

November Weigh-In's:

Nov 18th: 320.6 lbs
Nov 22nd: 320.6 lbs
Nov 25th: 318.2 lbs
Nov 28th: 321.2 lbs

December Weigh-In's:

Dec 7th: 317.8 lbs

January Weigh-In's:

Jan. 17th: 324.6 lbs
Jan 24th: 324.0 lbs

starting weight loss from highest point at 325 lbs

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- take a dance class

-walk around Stanley Park

- go horse back riding

- swim in the ocean

- play frisbee in the park

-join a "team" of some sort

- walk daily

- start to run again