getting cut

I was laying awake with the boyfriend a few weeks ago and I was thinking. I have a half-sister who I'm not close to at all. She's about eight years older than me and has always been jealous about the relationship I have with our Dad. It affected everything between us. But we've always known about each other. I was also compared with her a lot because she was also overweight.

When I was about 22, she (being about 30) made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. She did and lost an incredible amount of weight. I remember her coming to the house to give me her fat clothes since she didn't need them anymore.

Bitch.

So she lost the weight. Great. Good for her. But when she was done and finally recovered from this huge stress on her body, she up and left her husband. And their three kids. For another man in another city who had his own kids.

Her family was devastated. How could you not be? And there was no apologies, no nothing. Her two daughters have gone through their teen years with no foundation and her son is only beginning to become social again. It was harsh, and still is.

Anyways, I was thinking about weight loss surgery. I am also thinking about laser eye surgery, which brought up the other surgery in my mind. While I would, in all honesty, like to have an option like that, I'm so irrationally terrified that I will turn out like her!

I know. A weird fear. I think it's because we were so similar and even now, my boyfriend is a lot like her ex-husband. The quiet part of us, while I'm the loud part of us. And now this fear had become planted that if I were skinny, I would be a total bitch like her.

I think I need to know more people who have had the surgery.

little things make my day

It's so weird what makes me happy. I'm down two lbs on the scale, which is great. I don't know how I did it - there has still been nightly beer drinking b.c. of my writing - but I'll take it with gratitude.

I'm a little stressed about going home for the holidays though. Last year I had a 22 lb weight loss and it was noticeable in my face but that won't be the uncomfortable part. I hate it when my family watches what I eat. They know I'm making this change and they make jokes about my food choices when I do have a piece of home-made pie, or I do share a cinnamon bun with the boyfriend. It's frustrating! Argh.

But - and I say this with total love - fuck 'em. I can't do this while worrying about what people think! How incredibly hard that must be. I can only focus on me and mine and let the rest worry about their business.

Besides, I still have a month to prep myself. My, how I love Christmas!

me and my nightly beer

As a writer, I'm one of those people that do things in certain ways to generate luck. Like the guy who will wear the same socks throughout the season to the hockey player who will only tape his stick in a certain way, I'm bound in my weird little tradition.

Every night once the man goes to bed, I crack open a cold beer and start writing my thesis.

Over the past week, I've generated 50 pages. And that's no laughing matter. It is amazing! The rush of writing inspiration has been insane and I'm going to ride it as long as possible.

So giving up alcohol is not really an option right now.

I know that it just makes you retain, it's useless calories, blah blah blah. But I write. Lots. So I'll do it.

I take this as a sign that my mind is not focused on weight loss like it needs to be, and that I'm just not "ready" for that mental-shift so many people experience when it comes to weight loss. And that does make me sad.

But I'm writing.

Do you have any weird traditions that aren't really "good" for you?