little things make my day

It's so weird what makes me happy. I'm down two lbs on the scale, which is great. I don't know how I did it - there has still been nightly beer drinking b.c. of my writing - but I'll take it with gratitude.

I'm a little stressed about going home for the holidays though. Last year I had a 22 lb weight loss and it was noticeable in my face but that won't be the uncomfortable part. I hate it when my family watches what I eat. They know I'm making this change and they make jokes about my food choices when I do have a piece of home-made pie, or I do share a cinnamon bun with the boyfriend. It's frustrating! Argh.

But - and I say this with total love - fuck 'em. I can't do this while worrying about what people think! How incredibly hard that must be. I can only focus on me and mine and let the rest worry about their business.

Besides, I still have a month to prep myself. My, how I love Christmas!

internet food diaries

I am keeping notes of my food in a journal I keep in my purse - that way it's always with me. But I also want to throw this on the web. I just can't decide the best way to do it.

How do you do it? What works for you? What don't you like? Are pictures awesome or annoying?

Me, I like clean simple lines. I need to take a look around the blogosphere to see some styles.

my cousin sucks... and rocks

My cousin joined Herbal Magic Weight Loss and lost 50+ lbs over the last six months.

I kind of hate her now.

I say that with total love.

It's that jealousy thing, you know. I'm not such an amazing person that I don't feel jealousy. It's just so hard to see. Her uncle is one of my best friends and he is constantly updating me on her status then asks me "So how are you doing?".

Yeah. Fuck you (with love).

It's not about comparing stats! I know that. But I *ahem* don't have any stats. And when she rocks out an amazing accomplishment like that (even with those creepy appetite suppression pills!) I get happy for her, angry at myself, sad for myself.

It's complex, yo'.

Tomorrow (or today - it is 3:35 am....) I promise to log all my food. It's a freaking baby step and one that I need to do. I just get overwhelmed when I fall off the wagon. There's so much to get back into. Tracking food, drinking water, going for walks, getting my ass nomadic again. SIGH.

Baby steps.

me and my nightly beer

As a writer, I'm one of those people that do things in certain ways to generate luck. Like the guy who will wear the same socks throughout the season to the hockey player who will only tape his stick in a certain way, I'm bound in my weird little tradition.

Every night once the man goes to bed, I crack open a cold beer and start writing my thesis.

Over the past week, I've generated 50 pages. And that's no laughing matter. It is amazing! The rush of writing inspiration has been insane and I'm going to ride it as long as possible.

So giving up alcohol is not really an option right now.

I know that it just makes you retain, it's useless calories, blah blah blah. But I write. Lots. So I'll do it.

I take this as a sign that my mind is not focused on weight loss like it needs to be, and that I'm just not "ready" for that mental-shift so many people experience when it comes to weight loss. And that does make me sad.

But I'm writing.

Do you have any weird traditions that aren't really "good" for you?

three flights of stairs... kill me

I had class yesterday and it was in a different building than the one I usually go to. I walked in and right behind me was my professor, a youngish guy - about 5'8, 160-170- lbs. So while I would have found the elevator, he conned me into talking with him and we steered towards the stairs. Up and up we went.

I was holding onto the railing lightly - not wanting him to think anything about how I would need the rail - while he was BOUNDING up the steps, and he kept freaking talking to me! I was already feeling the burn by the second stairs so damn.

But we talked, and I burned, and he smiled, and I felt like panting! Not from his smile - wahahah, no! - but from the freaking unintentional exercises I was getting.

It was over in less than a minute but damn. Daaaamn.

So while we kept walking and found the classroom, I managed to get my breathing under control and trying not to melt into a puddle by his feet.

We finally sat down, and I collapsed in my chair and took off my bunnyhug. As well as being a large, large woman, I have an extremely high body temp. I am always, always hot. It doesn't help that i am also fat, which just makes it worse.

So while he's not out of breath, just dandy, I am undressing, sweaty and panting.

And not in the good, fun way either!

Just another sign of how out-of-shape I am.

This sucks.

and my tummy is stuffed

So. We ate supper - rice and chicken with lots of veggies - and watch some TV. Mind you, I've only been up since 3 PM, and so supper for me is bfast. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

So we eat and watch some TV. And I'm nibbling on everything. I think I ate seven oranges, 2 apples, three pieces of ww bread. I'm just eating.

And I notice that the boyfriend hasn't eaten a thing!

He actually ate enough at supper to fill himself up, but not so much that he was stuffed. And he wasn't snacking. he ate, he met that food requirement his body needed, and he was busy doing something else.

Damn. Daaaaamn.

He's good.

He just didn't eat. How crazy is that?

I'm inspired by him. I think for a day, I'll eat like him. Just to see what it feels like.

welcome to the real world

weigh-in: 320.6 lbs

Man, that bites.

But honestly, what did I expect? I've gone and fallen off the wagon, took a flying leap off the bridge, and so forth and so forth. All those wonderful cliches that just mean - girl, you've gone and eaten the whole damn pie.

things i tell myself

This was from A Merry Life (love that girl):

What do you say to yourself about yourself? Is it positive? Is it negative?
Have you had to change it from negative to positive like I have?

What do I tell myself?

Honestly, it changes from day to day. Yesterday, for example, I was feeling good. I was in a good place mentally and emotionally. I told myself, over the course of the day:

1. Your hair rocks bitch. Work it out. Huh-uh. (then I danced)
2. Wow. Damn girl. Your eye make-up is taking it to the next level. Don't be afraid. Go there! (and then I took a thousand photos of myself)
3. Your ass may be flat because you've been sitting at that chair for hours but you have rocked out fifty pages of thesis-writing in less than a week. Go have that beer. (and then I drank)
4. Housecleaning is for wussies. (that had no relevance but I thought it!)

But don't get wrong, I have the bad days still. The days where I realize my jeans are snug, or that this middle tire is more prominent than I would like or when my boyfriend hugs me and I realize he has to lean over to hug me and we haven't hugged standing up straight in a long time - because my belly gets in the way.

I need to find pictures of that....

my weakness, my orgasm in a cup

I have this thing for Starbucks. We're tight, SB and me. I mean like, for real. every season - as the winds shift and the sun settles down - SB and I gather together, huddled against cool winds and the coming of snow, and we bond. That's how tight SB and I are.

SB might even be a bff. Yeah, we're tight like that. BFF style.

So you can imagine my utter disregard for the fact that this coffee is totally drenched in calories. How can a few measly calories stand between us, the best of friends?

To try (TRY!) and avoid complete and utter failure, I usually get non-fat, fat-free, skinny types of drinks. They're good. They're really good. But sometimes, you just need a venti non-fat pumpkin spice latte, with whip or a venti non-fat caremel brule latte, with whip and sprinkles. But it's fat-free milk, so that's got to count somewhere, right?

and she comes back, yet again

I was avoiding this blog because honestly, I suck at losing weight.

In all fairness, I wouldn't have a blog like this if I was a success at it, now would I?

Anyways, when I really suck at something and it's my fault, I tend to avoid stuff like that. I mean, who wouldn't? It's not like I repeatedly like reminding myself things like Girl - you gotta problem with your weight. You fat girl.

Cuz that's not fun, now is it?

I revamped the colours and style because I'm not a somber, serious person. Yes, this is a serious matter, but me - I like the rainbow, I like the glitz, I like the colour in life. So I'm trying to be as true as possible. And I figure liking the way your blog looks will keep you coming back, right?

I'm not gonna say this is a new start, because it ain't. I am gonna say that my ass should not get any fatter than it is already, and I gots to do something about it.

And yes, I tend to toss slang and swear words around. It may get annoying, it may not. But it will be there. I warn you now.