moon cycle

In the past six months, my periods have been right on with the Moon cycle. Every full moon, I start my flow. It's a little TMI but I think it's really interesting.

My professor, who's Dogrib (I'm First Nations as well), tells me it's because my power is strong here and being in tune with Nature is a way of rooting it and grounding it so I can use my power.

I like that.

But what is also gives me is heavy cravings. MacAttack last night and did I eat. I did feel super-gross and greasy afterwards but I refused to let myself feel shame.

So I failed.

SO I faltered.

that doesn't mean I should give up.

That doesn't mean I should stop.

Everyone makes mistakes.

And it was good to let go of that "punishment" set of mind.

It felt good to let it go and focus on my next steps, my nest success.

food diary

- 4 eggs, scrambled
- 3 whole wheat toast
- 1 tbsp light margarine
- 2 c. water

- 2 c. water
- 1 grapefruit, large

- 1 grande caramel machiatto

- mcd's meal...SIGH

- 1 venti caramel machiatto

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches with whole wheat bread
- 1 tbsp ketchup
- 2 c. water

- 1 apple
- 1 c. water

- 2 handfuls chips
- 3 teeny pitas with hummus
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
- 1 venti skinny london fog

- 3 c. water

feelin' sassy &thinking of clothes

This isn't a progress picture. More of a I like me some curvy hips. I don't have curvy hips. I was totally sticking my hip out for these. Me, I'm First Nations and our asses are flat like bannock. So when I *do* have an ass, it's chub, not ass. I'll be working on that. Squats are going to become my friend.
This also brings me to my latest additions: big-sexy-fashion blogs. I find that, since I am a larger woman, I have a hard time dressing myself. What I'm wearing above is a general sort of stay at home outfit for me. Stretchy work-out pants (cough cough... when I don't work out... cough, cough) and a tank. I write so I stay home a lot, in isolation. I like it, I crave it, but when I do go out, I have social obligations. Photographer, student, conference speaker, role model, grocery shopper. Most of these, I try and look somewhat put together and most times, that calls for something other than stretchy pants.

I will post a pic of what I'm wearing tonight. You'll see the difference. And it will be fun for me. I'm sorry if you don't like plus-size fashion. There will be some of that here. It's important to dress good to feel good to keep moral up, I think.

ETA: So here is my School Outfit.

Jeans: $10 from The Bargain Shop (sale) (no joke, this place is the BOMB for jeans. They fit great!)
Tank: $5 at Wal-Mart (sale)
Cardigan: $17 from Addition Elle (sale)

Scarf: Xmas gift
Jacket: $22 from Addition Elle (sale)
Purse: $40 from La Chateau

Obviously, I like me a good sale. I don't usually wear too much jewelry but I do have a lot of it so I want to use it more. I have a lot of purses but tend to wear one until I'm done with it being my favorite. Anyways, I felt good. It felt comfortable.

coffee makes the world go round

I love me some good latte. This past week, aside from actually keeping track of my foods (I am SO proud of doing this for ten days straight! Way to start a great habit!), was making most of my latte's "skinnies." Basically that means sugar-free/non-fat. Sure, I miss the whip and caramel sometimes, but it's a small price to pay. 

I also did a photoshoot with a friend this weekend and man, she totally inspired me. She is a tall, willowy thing BUT she works out hardcore to get muscle tone. She could totally just "get by" with not eating right or exercising but no. She eats right, she works out, she is aware of her health. When we were doing the shoot, I kept draping her arms in certain ways and she was all "What are you doing?" I had to explain that her muscle tone is SICK and I LOVE IT and I wanted a bunch of the photos to showcase that amazing strength and power. Feminine power rocks and she had it in spades, in all four areas of her life. 

So me, I did two push-up's when I got home. 

Yeah. Not so hot. 

But it was a start! I want muscle tone. I want to feel my muscles work. So inspired.

food diary

- 1 banana

- 1 large bag of peanut M&M's
- 1 medium diet coke
- 1 large popcorn

- 2 apples

- 1 c. whole wheat KD with 2 tbsp ketchup
- 2 hot dogs on whole wheat bread with ketchup and mustard

- 10 mini-eggs
- 2 c. strawberries (nom nom nom)
- 1 apple

food diary

- 4 mini oranges
- 1 c. strawberries
- 1 venti skinny london fog
- 1 banana

- 3 oz. teriyaki chicken
- 2 c. green salad
- 1 oz ham

- 1/2 c. sweet and sour chicken
- 1/2 c. mixed veggies (bad chinese food)
- 1 c. water

- 1 venti caramel machiatto, with whip and drizzle

- McD's meal. Nuff said.

food diary

- cup of tea
- 1 grapefruit

- cup of mocha, small

- japanese food (dynamite roll, spring roll, teriyaki chicken)

- cup of skinny caramel latte, small

- 1 banana

- 2 c. wine
- 1 glass cocktail drink
- 1 paranella salad (grapes, greens, dressing, croutons, radishes... delish)
- 1 c. coffee
- 1 dessert (lemon hazelnut bar?)

* I consider this last meal somewhat of a "success" since I didn't have pasta or pizza at one of the best Italian joints ever. Sigh.

food diary

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- 1 c. yogurt parfait

- 2 tuna sandwiches (whole wheat, made with light mayo, celery, green onion)
- 1 c. water

- 1 banana

- 2 c. salad
- 1 tbsp. non-fat Ceaser dressing
- 1 turkey sandwich (whole wheat bread, ketchup)

- 4 slices chicken/pepper/mushroom pizza

*fail.

feeling like coffee is my friend

It's way too early for me.

Music and coffee.

My bff's right now.

I have a busy day. We have more left over chicken and salad so I'm thinking of getting some nice crusty bread and making chicken sandwiches. Nom nom nom. For dinner, that is. It feels good to have a plan, I'm not gonna lie.

Oh, and I like the idea of only taking one or two photos of my food. It gives me a visual of a healthy meal. Yeah, sometimes I do take pictures of the bad, but I do think positive reinforcement works better on me.

food diary

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- a low-fat yogurt/strawberry parfait

- 2 tuna sandwiches: whole wheat bread, celery, onion, tuna
- glass of water

- 1/3 of a Aero Mint bar

- 4 oz. baked chicken, no skin
- 12 baby carrots
- 1/2 c. grapes
- 2 c. baby lettuce salad
- 1 tbsp non-fat ceaser salad dressind
- 1 c. v8 fusion

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- 1 venti skinny london fog

and i thought i didn't have a sweet tooth

Cupcakes are my doom. I know this. Sweets in general. The mini-eggs are still hidden (although not from my lack of searching) and but cupcakes are everywhere. I can get them at school, I can get them at stores, I can get them at the specialty cupcake shop on 4th and Yew. It in i.n.s.a.n.e. and here I thought I wasn't a sugar-craving kind of girl.

I am going to resist though. In the past, weight loss works best for me if I quit as much sugar as possible. My body hugs sugar until the very end. When I die, I will be all sugar. I know it. So I tend not to use unless I really have to. I don't bake, thank god, or we would really be in trouble.

Goodbye, cupcake. I shall miss you.

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches, whole wheat bread
- 1 c. water

- slice bologna

- 1 venti skinny caramel latte

- 1 beer
- 4 oz. lemon chicken, baked
- 1 c. salad w/ mixed greens
- 1/4 c. pecan-wild rice salad
- 4 tiny slices of baguette bread with butter

- 1 c. water
- 1 1/2 cupcake


It started off okay then went straight to hell.

But it was a great cupcake and an even better beer.

food diary

- 2 tune/onion/celery sandwiches on whole wheat bread (nom nom nom)
- 1/2 c. grapes
- 6 baked pretzals
- 6 baby carrots
- 1 c. water

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- 2 cupcakes (small) with icing taken off
- 2 c. mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, celery, broccoli, cucumbers)
- 6 oatmeal/chocolate chip cookies
- 1 rice cake
- 6 mini-rice cake chips

- 1 grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte
- handful of baked pretzals
- 1 apple

** I had a huge sugar craving and was looking everywhere for my mini-eggs but the boyfriend his them too well. Ha!

the fear of loose skin

Not that I have to worry about this right now, being still fat, but I do think about this.

I really think, if I was at that point of maintaining my weight for a while and I did have loose skin, I woudl suck it up (ha!) and get it cut off.

I know, super crazy. But I'm vain enough, and young enough, that I want to look as good as possible and the idea of having loose skin flap around my body is not attractive to me.

That is my random thought of the day.

hiding my own damn easter eggs

I love those mini-eggs that come out every Easter. Just the perfect size to satisfy my sweet cravings. But I ended up[ buying four bags to "stock up" last night and devoured one in a sitting. I felt sick, as that is a ton of sugar and I had to ride that rush out.

Finally, I looked at my boyfriend. "Babe, go hide my mini-eggs somewhere." He gave me a funny look, saw that I was serious, started laughing and told me to close my eyes and sing. We live in a small apartment right now so I had to make sure I couldn't see or hear him rustling about.

So they are hid, only to be taken out when my sugar craving goes into overload.

The things we do.

food diary

- venti caramel machiatto
- cherry blossom chocolate cupcake

- 2 egg sandwiches, made with white bread
- 2 apples

- 1 chicken breast, homemade nuggets
- 2 cups. of french fries
- 2 tbsp ketchup

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- one bag of mini-eggs

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- 1 beer

getting cut

I was laying awake with the boyfriend a few weeks ago and I was thinking. I have a half-sister who I'm not close to at all. She's about eight years older than me and has always been jealous about the relationship I have with our Dad. It affected everything between us. But we've always known about each other. I was also compared with her a lot because she was also overweight.

When I was about 22, she (being about 30) made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. She did and lost an incredible amount of weight. I remember her coming to the house to give me her fat clothes since she didn't need them anymore.

Bitch.

So she lost the weight. Great. Good for her. But when she was done and finally recovered from this huge stress on her body, she up and left her husband. And their three kids. For another man in another city who had his own kids.

Her family was devastated. How could you not be? And there was no apologies, no nothing. Her two daughters have gone through their teen years with no foundation and her son is only beginning to become social again. It was harsh, and still is.

Anyways, I was thinking about weight loss surgery. I am also thinking about laser eye surgery, which brought up the other surgery in my mind. While I would, in all honesty, like to have an option like that, I'm so irrationally terrified that I will turn out like her!

I know. A weird fear. I think it's because we were so similar and even now, my boyfriend is a lot like her ex-husband. The quiet part of us, while I'm the loud part of us. And now this fear had become planted that if I were skinny, I would be a total bitch like her.

I think I need to know more people who have had the surgery.

muuzik// theme song, part duece

THIS is the song I was thinking about, lmao.

The chorus kills. me. so. much.

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches
- 3 oranges

- 1 chicken breast with home-made flakey crust
- 1/2 c. brown rice
- 1 tsp. soy sauce

- 1 apple

exercise: 3 hours of packing/slicing/hauling/moving the apartment

picking a theme song

I love to dance. It's never mattered what my size was. I was always on the dance floor, shaking my bannock (aka flat ass) to the hard beats of the DJ's booth and it was sick. I love it. I'm the first one the floor and the last one to leave. I close down the clubs.

That being said, whenever I attempt to work out, I need some music to get me pumped up. Here are two guaranteed to get me moving and they may be part of my theme songs now, using sexy in there somehow.

I need to get out to the clubs more once I get home. It's the only time where I'm on my feet for 6+ hours and sweating and grooving. It's a huge amount of exercise that I totally feel the next day and I miss it. I live in Vancouver, which is just not big-friendly, and whenever I hit up the clubs, I'm surrounded by skinny bitches and I feel so aawwkkwwaarrrddd. First thing I'm doing when I move back to Saskatchewan is plan a weekend in the City of Bridges and shake my thang, all weekend. Just me and all my favorite girls, together again.

I miss dancing.

food diary

- two bologna sandwiches with whole wheat bread
- 2 oranges

- 12 baby carrots
- 1 tbsp fat-free cucumber dressing

- 1 c. brown rice
- 5 oz. chicken, baked
- 1 tbsp soy sauce

- angus burger
- medium diet coke
- large fries

- 2 packs of easter mini-eggs

Rework This

I'm going to have the most "I'm back!" posts ever. But I'm not back. I'm not even close to being back. I'm just trying to claw my way back into a food awareness. That is a food journal. Something tactile that I can actually put in my purse and take out and write in. That is key. I always say that I can remember what I put in my mouth but I don't think I can. I try and forget it. Try to forget how I'm sabotaging myself.

I also feel like these blog posts have to be long and concise and deep. I read some amazing blogs, people with inspiring words, but I swear. I can't be deep and inspiring alll thhhee ttiimmmee. Some days I struggle and I just want to write a bitch-post. To whine. To say WHY ME? And others I'm full of happiness and joy and I want to share that.

So I'm just going to keep this as true as possible. I need to be honest and me and that means sometimes being whiny, being a bitch or being super-happy. That's what i need in order to keep blogging about this.

Now get to it, girl.

feeling accountable and wanting to rock it

I like this new high of when I just "come back" and am gearing to go. It's a good feeling. I wish it stayed with me longer.

I've had my AM coffee and I'll be chilling out at the laptop all day, since I am working and doing my thesis writing. It makes for a rough day of a different sort and I'm just cranking it through.

Food wise, chicken is thawed. I have lots of small veggies in the house, ready for dinner. There's also a ceaser salad mix ready to go. I'm trying to be prepared, trying to stay on track. Meal planning takes on a huge new challenge when you're just not interested in it. It becomes this huge obstacle in your mind and I'm just not sure when I'm going to get over that hump yet.

twenty and six today

I've been floating in a food fog the last couple of days. Not really aware that I'm eating, not listening to my body, not watching what I eat. My emotional upheaval has wreaked havoc on my relationship with my man, my classwork and my thesis. And this needs to stop.

I'm turning twenty six today and damned if I'll go through another year of no change. Of no awareness. Of no personal growth and no loss of weight. I need this and damnit, I deserve this.

It is weird how emotional damage really screws you up. I could handle this if I broke my arm or something. But when someone breaks my heart? That's a whole other story. The good news is he and I are working it through and getting help - we do love one another and we've decided that this relationship deserves 110% effort. So we're doing it.

the bad news being that I'm eating shit like donuts and thinking fuck him, he can love me fat. Which is pretty twisted, as I'm only hurting myself.

But I never claimed to be rational.

We are going to be a healthy home. I have plans for us. Belief in us. We both do. It starts with cleaning out the cupboards and taking out a cook book and making a grocery list.

Here I am, yet again.

trying to be a healthy home

The man and I had a serious talk. We've both been feeling unhealthy in a lot of areas of our life and we decided that we need to do this together. Try to do our best to create a healthy home base so we can start becoming healthier in other areas. What that means, to us, is that we eat healthy foods, create healthy meals and keep healthy snacks. Lots of water and fruit & veggie juices. Lots of vegetables period. More meal planning. Shopping for groceries together. Just keeping on top of it.

I'm glad. I'm relieved.

We also talked about getting more physical. For him, that means more skating, rollerblading, etc. He wants to get active and go out and sight see. For me, I would rather go on a photo-walk or walk on a beach. I just want to work on getting out of the house for pleasure, rather than work out. So we're going to places like Stanley Park so he can rollerblade and I can take photos. Or we're heading to the beach so I can lounge and he can rollerblade. It's a start and I hope to start biking when I move back home. I love biking.

SO that's where we are. It's good. A nice feeling.