northern living is good for me

(i'm on the right but no face, so that's cool!)

I've been boating. Walking. Talking. Moving. Going for drives. Drinking. A lot of drinking. Hanging out. Chatting. Eating. Writing. Doing photography work. And losing weight, however unintentional. It is a great thing.

It's not HUGE numbers but for me, I'm ecstatic.

Imagine what it could be like if I didn't drink, lmao.

Sorry. I text blog. I text way too much.

Anyways.

feeling good. Feeling happy.

I spent the weekend with the girl above, who is one of my cousins, and another girl. Both who I grew up with. Both of who love me for me.

And I was insanely envious of their bodies. Strong and powerful, curvy and slim. It didn't matter the type. They were healthy and strong and yeah... I wanted that.

Is is both inspiration and a kick in the teeth, that's for sure.

back and back

I am living at home. I haven't forgotten about my blog. I'm just involved with life here.

I get jealous a lot. I hate it. One of my cousins, I think I've mentioned her before, has dropped 70 lbs on Herbal Magic. She still takes those weight suppressant pills though, so once she's off that... damn. And the evil bitch inside me is... kinda happy about that.

I'm just saying.

I'm trying not to focus on her and focus on me. This isn't a race. This isn't a competition. This is my life.

I haven't really lost any weight. By the time I left Vancouver, I was up to 325 again. Today, I was 317.5. I'm happy with it and I know it's because I don't have take-out at my disposal like I did before. I'm eating a ton more red meat, a ton more carbs. It's Northern Cooking. But i'm also moving more.

There were days in Vancouver where I wouldn't leave the house, sitting in front of the computer all day. Scary, but true. Now, I'm lucky to get an hour of time in front of the computer. I'm so damn busy.

I keep trying. That all I can do.

oollllaaaa

Easter was a total bitch. Yes, I did have chocolate but I'm not worried about that. Blah. Whatevs. It was an emotional bitchfest. Man oh man, I wanted to be home. It's not like Easter is a big deal in our house but my Dad celebrated 60 years on the 1st and my god-daughter was baptized on the 4th and damn. I should have been home but I couldn't since I was here. Blah.

In other news, my food diary has gone to shit. Getting back on that.

No gain, which is good.

More water, which is freaking great. It's getting to that point where I crave it now and I feel really gross without it.

Also *cough cough* more beer, which isn't as great. In my pitiful defense, I am moving so every social occasion turns into a drinkfest. Which I kind of love, I'm not going to lie. But I am going to make the most of every occasion here, while I have it.

Just drink more water, ha!

food diary

- 2 c. water
- leftovers: 1/2 c. brown rice with chicken and veggies
- 2 tsp. soy sauce

- 10 crackers, no salt
- way too much chocolate bunny... die, chocolate bunny! Die!

moon cycle

In the past six months, my periods have been right on with the Moon cycle. Every full moon, I start my flow. It's a little TMI but I think it's really interesting.

My professor, who's Dogrib (I'm First Nations as well), tells me it's because my power is strong here and being in tune with Nature is a way of rooting it and grounding it so I can use my power.

I like that.

But what is also gives me is heavy cravings. MacAttack last night and did I eat. I did feel super-gross and greasy afterwards but I refused to let myself feel shame.

So I failed.

SO I faltered.

that doesn't mean I should give up.

That doesn't mean I should stop.

Everyone makes mistakes.

And it was good to let go of that "punishment" set of mind.

It felt good to let it go and focus on my next steps, my nest success.

food diary

- 4 eggs, scrambled
- 3 whole wheat toast
- 1 tbsp light margarine
- 2 c. water

- 2 c. water
- 1 grapefruit, large

- 1 grande caramel machiatto

- mcd's meal...SIGH

- 1 venti caramel machiatto

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches with whole wheat bread
- 1 tbsp ketchup
- 2 c. water

- 1 apple
- 1 c. water

- 2 handfuls chips
- 3 teeny pitas with hummus
- 1 chocolate chip cookie
- 1 venti skinny london fog

- 3 c. water

feelin' sassy &thinking of clothes

This isn't a progress picture. More of a I like me some curvy hips. I don't have curvy hips. I was totally sticking my hip out for these. Me, I'm First Nations and our asses are flat like bannock. So when I *do* have an ass, it's chub, not ass. I'll be working on that. Squats are going to become my friend.
This also brings me to my latest additions: big-sexy-fashion blogs. I find that, since I am a larger woman, I have a hard time dressing myself. What I'm wearing above is a general sort of stay at home outfit for me. Stretchy work-out pants (cough cough... when I don't work out... cough, cough) and a tank. I write so I stay home a lot, in isolation. I like it, I crave it, but when I do go out, I have social obligations. Photographer, student, conference speaker, role model, grocery shopper. Most of these, I try and look somewhat put together and most times, that calls for something other than stretchy pants.

I will post a pic of what I'm wearing tonight. You'll see the difference. And it will be fun for me. I'm sorry if you don't like plus-size fashion. There will be some of that here. It's important to dress good to feel good to keep moral up, I think.

ETA: So here is my School Outfit.

Jeans: $10 from The Bargain Shop (sale) (no joke, this place is the BOMB for jeans. They fit great!)
Tank: $5 at Wal-Mart (sale)
Cardigan: $17 from Addition Elle (sale)

Scarf: Xmas gift
Jacket: $22 from Addition Elle (sale)
Purse: $40 from La Chateau

Obviously, I like me a good sale. I don't usually wear too much jewelry but I do have a lot of it so I want to use it more. I have a lot of purses but tend to wear one until I'm done with it being my favorite. Anyways, I felt good. It felt comfortable.

coffee makes the world go round

I love me some good latte. This past week, aside from actually keeping track of my foods (I am SO proud of doing this for ten days straight! Way to start a great habit!), was making most of my latte's "skinnies." Basically that means sugar-free/non-fat. Sure, I miss the whip and caramel sometimes, but it's a small price to pay. 

I also did a photoshoot with a friend this weekend and man, she totally inspired me. She is a tall, willowy thing BUT she works out hardcore to get muscle tone. She could totally just "get by" with not eating right or exercising but no. She eats right, she works out, she is aware of her health. When we were doing the shoot, I kept draping her arms in certain ways and she was all "What are you doing?" I had to explain that her muscle tone is SICK and I LOVE IT and I wanted a bunch of the photos to showcase that amazing strength and power. Feminine power rocks and she had it in spades, in all four areas of her life. 

So me, I did two push-up's when I got home. 

Yeah. Not so hot. 

But it was a start! I want muscle tone. I want to feel my muscles work. So inspired.

food diary

- 1 banana

- 1 large bag of peanut M&M's
- 1 medium diet coke
- 1 large popcorn

- 2 apples

- 1 c. whole wheat KD with 2 tbsp ketchup
- 2 hot dogs on whole wheat bread with ketchup and mustard

- 10 mini-eggs
- 2 c. strawberries (nom nom nom)
- 1 apple

food diary

- 4 mini oranges
- 1 c. strawberries
- 1 venti skinny london fog
- 1 banana

- 3 oz. teriyaki chicken
- 2 c. green salad
- 1 oz ham

- 1/2 c. sweet and sour chicken
- 1/2 c. mixed veggies (bad chinese food)
- 1 c. water

- 1 venti caramel machiatto, with whip and drizzle

- McD's meal. Nuff said.

food diary

- cup of tea
- 1 grapefruit

- cup of mocha, small

- japanese food (dynamite roll, spring roll, teriyaki chicken)

- cup of skinny caramel latte, small

- 1 banana

- 2 c. wine
- 1 glass cocktail drink
- 1 paranella salad (grapes, greens, dressing, croutons, radishes... delish)
- 1 c. coffee
- 1 dessert (lemon hazelnut bar?)

* I consider this last meal somewhat of a "success" since I didn't have pasta or pizza at one of the best Italian joints ever. Sigh.

food diary

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- 1 c. yogurt parfait

- 2 tuna sandwiches (whole wheat, made with light mayo, celery, green onion)
- 1 c. water

- 1 banana

- 2 c. salad
- 1 tbsp. non-fat Ceaser dressing
- 1 turkey sandwich (whole wheat bread, ketchup)

- 4 slices chicken/pepper/mushroom pizza

*fail.

feeling like coffee is my friend

It's way too early for me.

Music and coffee.

My bff's right now.

I have a busy day. We have more left over chicken and salad so I'm thinking of getting some nice crusty bread and making chicken sandwiches. Nom nom nom. For dinner, that is. It feels good to have a plan, I'm not gonna lie.

Oh, and I like the idea of only taking one or two photos of my food. It gives me a visual of a healthy meal. Yeah, sometimes I do take pictures of the bad, but I do think positive reinforcement works better on me.

food diary

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- a low-fat yogurt/strawberry parfait

- 2 tuna sandwiches: whole wheat bread, celery, onion, tuna
- glass of water

- 1/3 of a Aero Mint bar

- 4 oz. baked chicken, no skin
- 12 baby carrots
- 1/2 c. grapes
- 2 c. baby lettuce salad
- 1 tbsp non-fat ceaser salad dressind
- 1 c. v8 fusion

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- 1 venti skinny london fog

and i thought i didn't have a sweet tooth

Cupcakes are my doom. I know this. Sweets in general. The mini-eggs are still hidden (although not from my lack of searching) and but cupcakes are everywhere. I can get them at school, I can get them at stores, I can get them at the specialty cupcake shop on 4th and Yew. It in i.n.s.a.n.e. and here I thought I wasn't a sugar-craving kind of girl.

I am going to resist though. In the past, weight loss works best for me if I quit as much sugar as possible. My body hugs sugar until the very end. When I die, I will be all sugar. I know it. So I tend not to use unless I really have to. I don't bake, thank god, or we would really be in trouble.

Goodbye, cupcake. I shall miss you.

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches, whole wheat bread
- 1 c. water

- slice bologna

- 1 venti skinny caramel latte

- 1 beer
- 4 oz. lemon chicken, baked
- 1 c. salad w/ mixed greens
- 1/4 c. pecan-wild rice salad
- 4 tiny slices of baguette bread with butter

- 1 c. water
- 1 1/2 cupcake


It started off okay then went straight to hell.

But it was a great cupcake and an even better beer.

food diary

- 2 tune/onion/celery sandwiches on whole wheat bread (nom nom nom)
- 1/2 c. grapes
- 6 baked pretzals
- 6 baby carrots
- 1 c. water

- 1 grande skinny caramel latte
- 2 cupcakes (small) with icing taken off
- 2 c. mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, celery, broccoli, cucumbers)
- 6 oatmeal/chocolate chip cookies
- 1 rice cake
- 6 mini-rice cake chips

- 1 grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte
- handful of baked pretzals
- 1 apple

** I had a huge sugar craving and was looking everywhere for my mini-eggs but the boyfriend his them too well. Ha!

the fear of loose skin

Not that I have to worry about this right now, being still fat, but I do think about this.

I really think, if I was at that point of maintaining my weight for a while and I did have loose skin, I woudl suck it up (ha!) and get it cut off.

I know, super crazy. But I'm vain enough, and young enough, that I want to look as good as possible and the idea of having loose skin flap around my body is not attractive to me.

That is my random thought of the day.

hiding my own damn easter eggs

I love those mini-eggs that come out every Easter. Just the perfect size to satisfy my sweet cravings. But I ended up[ buying four bags to "stock up" last night and devoured one in a sitting. I felt sick, as that is a ton of sugar and I had to ride that rush out.

Finally, I looked at my boyfriend. "Babe, go hide my mini-eggs somewhere." He gave me a funny look, saw that I was serious, started laughing and told me to close my eyes and sing. We live in a small apartment right now so I had to make sure I couldn't see or hear him rustling about.

So they are hid, only to be taken out when my sugar craving goes into overload.

The things we do.

food diary

- venti caramel machiatto
- cherry blossom chocolate cupcake

- 2 egg sandwiches, made with white bread
- 2 apples

- 1 chicken breast, homemade nuggets
- 2 cups. of french fries
- 2 tbsp ketchup

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- one bag of mini-eggs

- two handfuls of baked pretzals
- 1 beer

getting cut

I was laying awake with the boyfriend a few weeks ago and I was thinking. I have a half-sister who I'm not close to at all. She's about eight years older than me and has always been jealous about the relationship I have with our Dad. It affected everything between us. But we've always known about each other. I was also compared with her a lot because she was also overweight.

When I was about 22, she (being about 30) made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. She did and lost an incredible amount of weight. I remember her coming to the house to give me her fat clothes since she didn't need them anymore.

Bitch.

So she lost the weight. Great. Good for her. But when she was done and finally recovered from this huge stress on her body, she up and left her husband. And their three kids. For another man in another city who had his own kids.

Her family was devastated. How could you not be? And there was no apologies, no nothing. Her two daughters have gone through their teen years with no foundation and her son is only beginning to become social again. It was harsh, and still is.

Anyways, I was thinking about weight loss surgery. I am also thinking about laser eye surgery, which brought up the other surgery in my mind. While I would, in all honesty, like to have an option like that, I'm so irrationally terrified that I will turn out like her!

I know. A weird fear. I think it's because we were so similar and even now, my boyfriend is a lot like her ex-husband. The quiet part of us, while I'm the loud part of us. And now this fear had become planted that if I were skinny, I would be a total bitch like her.

I think I need to know more people who have had the surgery.

muuzik// theme song, part duece

THIS is the song I was thinking about, lmao.

The chorus kills. me. so. much.

food diary

- 2 egg sandwiches
- 3 oranges

- 1 chicken breast with home-made flakey crust
- 1/2 c. brown rice
- 1 tsp. soy sauce

- 1 apple

exercise: 3 hours of packing/slicing/hauling/moving the apartment

picking a theme song

I love to dance. It's never mattered what my size was. I was always on the dance floor, shaking my bannock (aka flat ass) to the hard beats of the DJ's booth and it was sick. I love it. I'm the first one the floor and the last one to leave. I close down the clubs.

That being said, whenever I attempt to work out, I need some music to get me pumped up. Here are two guaranteed to get me moving and they may be part of my theme songs now, using sexy in there somehow.

I need to get out to the clubs more once I get home. It's the only time where I'm on my feet for 6+ hours and sweating and grooving. It's a huge amount of exercise that I totally feel the next day and I miss it. I live in Vancouver, which is just not big-friendly, and whenever I hit up the clubs, I'm surrounded by skinny bitches and I feel so aawwkkwwaarrrddd. First thing I'm doing when I move back to Saskatchewan is plan a weekend in the City of Bridges and shake my thang, all weekend. Just me and all my favorite girls, together again.

I miss dancing.

food diary

- two bologna sandwiches with whole wheat bread
- 2 oranges

- 12 baby carrots
- 1 tbsp fat-free cucumber dressing

- 1 c. brown rice
- 5 oz. chicken, baked
- 1 tbsp soy sauce

- angus burger
- medium diet coke
- large fries

- 2 packs of easter mini-eggs

Rework This

I'm going to have the most "I'm back!" posts ever. But I'm not back. I'm not even close to being back. I'm just trying to claw my way back into a food awareness. That is a food journal. Something tactile that I can actually put in my purse and take out and write in. That is key. I always say that I can remember what I put in my mouth but I don't think I can. I try and forget it. Try to forget how I'm sabotaging myself.

I also feel like these blog posts have to be long and concise and deep. I read some amazing blogs, people with inspiring words, but I swear. I can't be deep and inspiring alll thhhee ttiimmmee. Some days I struggle and I just want to write a bitch-post. To whine. To say WHY ME? And others I'm full of happiness and joy and I want to share that.

So I'm just going to keep this as true as possible. I need to be honest and me and that means sometimes being whiny, being a bitch or being super-happy. That's what i need in order to keep blogging about this.

Now get to it, girl.

feeling accountable and wanting to rock it

I like this new high of when I just "come back" and am gearing to go. It's a good feeling. I wish it stayed with me longer.

I've had my AM coffee and I'll be chilling out at the laptop all day, since I am working and doing my thesis writing. It makes for a rough day of a different sort and I'm just cranking it through.

Food wise, chicken is thawed. I have lots of small veggies in the house, ready for dinner. There's also a ceaser salad mix ready to go. I'm trying to be prepared, trying to stay on track. Meal planning takes on a huge new challenge when you're just not interested in it. It becomes this huge obstacle in your mind and I'm just not sure when I'm going to get over that hump yet.

twenty and six today

I've been floating in a food fog the last couple of days. Not really aware that I'm eating, not listening to my body, not watching what I eat. My emotional upheaval has wreaked havoc on my relationship with my man, my classwork and my thesis. And this needs to stop.

I'm turning twenty six today and damned if I'll go through another year of no change. Of no awareness. Of no personal growth and no loss of weight. I need this and damnit, I deserve this.

It is weird how emotional damage really screws you up. I could handle this if I broke my arm or something. But when someone breaks my heart? That's a whole other story. The good news is he and I are working it through and getting help - we do love one another and we've decided that this relationship deserves 110% effort. So we're doing it.

the bad news being that I'm eating shit like donuts and thinking fuck him, he can love me fat. Which is pretty twisted, as I'm only hurting myself.

But I never claimed to be rational.

We are going to be a healthy home. I have plans for us. Belief in us. We both do. It starts with cleaning out the cupboards and taking out a cook book and making a grocery list.

Here I am, yet again.

trying to be a healthy home

The man and I had a serious talk. We've both been feeling unhealthy in a lot of areas of our life and we decided that we need to do this together. Try to do our best to create a healthy home base so we can start becoming healthier in other areas. What that means, to us, is that we eat healthy foods, create healthy meals and keep healthy snacks. Lots of water and fruit & veggie juices. Lots of vegetables period. More meal planning. Shopping for groceries together. Just keeping on top of it.

I'm glad. I'm relieved.

We also talked about getting more physical. For him, that means more skating, rollerblading, etc. He wants to get active and go out and sight see. For me, I would rather go on a photo-walk or walk on a beach. I just want to work on getting out of the house for pleasure, rather than work out. So we're going to places like Stanley Park so he can rollerblade and I can take photos. Or we're heading to the beach so I can lounge and he can rollerblade. It's a start and I hope to start biking when I move back home. I love biking.

SO that's where we are. It's good. A nice feeling.

the why...

I know why, on a physical level, why I'm fat. I eat too much. I eat too much carbs, not enough veggies. I don't drink water. I don't exercise. I'm a lousy eater with no physical movements.

But I think there's more to that story.

I get very nervous when I think about blogging about this, but I think it's something that should be said. It's about being honest and I need to face this in connection to my over-eating.

I was sexually abused as a child.

...

Yeah, that's a hard sentence to write.

Now, I have come out with this to my parents and family and spouse. They know. They knew when I was twelve and told, finally. We have dealt with it as a family.

But I haven't dealt with it enough, it seems. I don't see how an emotionally stable person can gain 150 lbs in 3 years. I don't see how that is "okay" or "normal" or even acceptable.

I don't know how this affects me on an everyday level. I do know when I go home and see him (he's a cousin) at a family gathering, I feel sick. I don't talk to him. I ignore him. And he is never invited to my parent's house, at all. But I only go home maybe two or three times a year.

My eating habits are a mess, I do know that. I don't think I'm an emotional eater. I don't see food as my "friend" who comforts me. It's a fuel. But I do eat out of boredom. That mindless eating thing. I do that, when I'm watching a movie or reading. I don't really have triggers but I do eat food like sweets and chocolates when I'm on my rag. I get cravings really bad around then.

I don't know. I'm thinking of seeing a councilor lately. To help me see the connection between the abuse and my current weight problems, IF there are any.

I think that I worked so hard at not showing this as a weakness in my relationships that I placed this darkness somewhere else. But even that seems vague and far-fetched.

So that's where I am right now. Trying to be more honest with myself, no matter how scary my truths.

still ill

Man, oh man.

Yesterday was insanely bad. Today, I'm not even gonna talk to anyone. Why? Because I think I may just lose my voice. No talkie. Only writey.

This means takeout. This means babying. This means cough medicine and ginger tea and sweating it out.

chesty cough

I'm ill. No jokes. And it bites. Bites the big one.

This means I'm actually going to go to bed at a normal hour. Rub some vick's on my chest. Take some cough medicine. And just die.

I hate being sick.

I'm actually drinking water too, as my body is craving liquids. Water is delicious. Amazing. I now love and savour my water.

We'll see how long this lasts.

the steps just about won

I thought this was funny. I went to Wreck Beach yesterday for the first time and I managed to climb back up the 400 steps.

It hurts, I'm not going to lie.

ETA:

So Wreck Beach. It's about 400 steps, from what I was told, and I can tell you this: those stairs are evil. No lie. Evil. I rested so I wouldn't pass out and watched these people just cruise by me. They were BOUNDING, like gazelle, up the steps. I felt like tripping them. Like pushing them down and cackling with glee as the bounded... bounced down the steps.

Maybe I'm the evil one.

hey you, i remember you

I'm not exactly back and on track or anything like that, but neither am I gone. I'm going through some mmmmaajjaaah emotional problems with my fiance. It's wreaking havoc on me and my weight and it's just another excuse that I'm using to eat whatever the fuck I want. I recognize that but I'm not ready to change that just yet.

In other news, good or bad, I've gotta keep writing. Keep being honest. I think that's what I need. It's a huge step for me. To say that I am FAT and it is ALL MY FAULT, if one must assign blame. This is key. ONLY I CAN CHANGE THIS. I am responsible for my body and what I put into it and how much I exercise it.

Wowza.

Lay the smack down, girl.

While this is not yet a turn or a corner or a step forward, it is an awakening. My awakening.

I am responsible for me.

I am responsible for this body.

I am responsible for the situation my body is in.

I am.

running around in circles

This photoblog of food has really opened my eyes. Holleee. I like me my Starbucks and sweets. and I really, truly am horrible at this water drinking thing.

I sometimes wonder what my trigger is going to be. Most of the super-successful weight loss people I talk have had that "aha" moment. The "enough is enough" moment. I don't know if I had that yet.

I want to lose the weight, of course. I am very unhappy with this body - and that's putting it mildly. I went to a play on last Thursday and I was barely able to squeeze into the seats. I was so uncomfortable and self-conscious. I was with my boyfriend and a friend and her new boyfriend. I was acutely aware of my rolls slipping onto her side of the seat and I was thinking "how does he see me? Does he see how amazingly funny I am or does he see my size?" It was humbling and while I really don't care how he sees me anyways (he's kind of a twat), I was thinking about my weight all night. It inhibited me and I hate that.

great pictures but where am I?

While I have been great for the last three days about my food journal (both in pictures and in ink) I have had no time for actual blogging. At least not on this blog. I'm taking the week to document my food intake, see where I'm at, to weigh in, and to to see where I can improve. Small steps, small steps.

I'm excited though, already. Documenting my food has always been a goal of mine - especially in pictures - because I need to see what I'm eating. Portion sizes, drinks, what triggers a binge and so forth.

oranges, oranges, oranges

I eat oranges a lot. Especially since the large Navel oranges came back. Nom nom nom. Some days, I only eat oranges. That's how much I love them. I'm trying to teach myself that too much of one thing is never a good thing. I can't get any protein, carbs, healthy fats or vegetables from eating oranges all day.

No matter how good they taste.

What are some of your food weaknesses? The food that you can eat all day? Everyday?

and she's back from the hiding

I don't know about this sometimes.

I'm not really doing anything to "lose" weight. I'm not tracking calories. I'm not exercising more. I'm not drinking water. I'm not keeping a food journal. Hell, I wasn't even blogging about my weight or feelings or anything like that.

I just kind of vanished.

It's hard to face myself when I'm failing. It's such an unusual state for me. Ha! That sounds super-vain but I usually succeed at almost everything I try. I'm very blessed.

But then I try and try and try to lose weight where, really, the only obstacle is myself and I FAIL... big time. So frustrating. So disheartening.

But I'm back. Facing the mirror. Doing it right. Trying again.

Hello 2010.