I know why, on a physical level, why I'm fat. I eat too much. I eat too much carbs, not enough veggies. I don't drink water. I don't exercise. I'm a lousy eater with no physical movements.
But I think there's more to that story.
I get very nervous when I think about blogging about this, but I think it's something that should be said. It's about being honest and I need to face this in connection to my over-eating.
I was sexually abused as a child.
...
Yeah, that's a hard sentence to write.
Now, I have come out with this to my parents and family and spouse. They know. They knew when I was twelve and told, finally. We have dealt with it as a family.
But I haven't dealt with it enough, it seems. I don't see how an emotionally stable person can gain 150 lbs in 3 years. I don't see how that is "okay" or "normal" or even acceptable.
I don't know how this affects me on an everyday level. I do know when I go home and see him (he's a cousin) at a family gathering, I feel sick. I don't talk to him. I ignore him. And he is never invited to my parent's house, at all. But I only go home maybe two or three times a year.
My eating habits are a mess, I do know that. I don't think I'm an emotional eater. I don't see food as my "friend" who comforts me. It's a fuel. But I do eat out of boredom. That mindless eating thing. I do that, when I'm watching a movie or reading. I don't really have triggers but I do eat food like sweets and chocolates when I'm on my rag. I get cravings really bad around then.
I don't know. I'm thinking of seeing a councilor lately. To help me see the connection between the abuse and my current weight problems, IF there are any.
I think that I worked so hard at not showing this as a weakness in my relationships that I placed this darkness somewhere else. But even that seems vague and far-fetched.
So that's where I am right now. Trying to be more honest with myself, no matter how scary my truths.
But I think there's more to that story.
I get very nervous when I think about blogging about this, but I think it's something that should be said. It's about being honest and I need to face this in connection to my over-eating.
I was sexually abused as a child.
...
Yeah, that's a hard sentence to write.
Now, I have come out with this to my parents and family and spouse. They know. They knew when I was twelve and told, finally. We have dealt with it as a family.
But I haven't dealt with it enough, it seems. I don't see how an emotionally stable person can gain 150 lbs in 3 years. I don't see how that is "okay" or "normal" or even acceptable.
I don't know how this affects me on an everyday level. I do know when I go home and see him (he's a cousin) at a family gathering, I feel sick. I don't talk to him. I ignore him. And he is never invited to my parent's house, at all. But I only go home maybe two or three times a year.
My eating habits are a mess, I do know that. I don't think I'm an emotional eater. I don't see food as my "friend" who comforts me. It's a fuel. But I do eat out of boredom. That mindless eating thing. I do that, when I'm watching a movie or reading. I don't really have triggers but I do eat food like sweets and chocolates when I'm on my rag. I get cravings really bad around then.
I don't know. I'm thinking of seeing a councilor lately. To help me see the connection between the abuse and my current weight problems, IF there are any.
I think that I worked so hard at not showing this as a weakness in my relationships that I placed this darkness somewhere else. But even that seems vague and far-fetched.
So that's where I am right now. Trying to be more honest with myself, no matter how scary my truths.
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