little things make my day

It's so weird what makes me happy. I'm down two lbs on the scale, which is great. I don't know how I did it - there has still been nightly beer drinking b.c. of my writing - but I'll take it with gratitude.

I'm a little stressed about going home for the holidays though. Last year I had a 22 lb weight loss and it was noticeable in my face but that won't be the uncomfortable part. I hate it when my family watches what I eat. They know I'm making this change and they make jokes about my food choices when I do have a piece of home-made pie, or I do share a cinnamon bun with the boyfriend. It's frustrating! Argh.

But - and I say this with total love - fuck 'em. I can't do this while worrying about what people think! How incredibly hard that must be. I can only focus on me and mine and let the rest worry about their business.

Besides, I still have a month to prep myself. My, how I love Christmas!

internet food diaries

I am keeping notes of my food in a journal I keep in my purse - that way it's always with me. But I also want to throw this on the web. I just can't decide the best way to do it.

How do you do it? What works for you? What don't you like? Are pictures awesome or annoying?

Me, I like clean simple lines. I need to take a look around the blogosphere to see some styles.

my cousin sucks... and rocks

My cousin joined Herbal Magic Weight Loss and lost 50+ lbs over the last six months.

I kind of hate her now.

I say that with total love.

It's that jealousy thing, you know. I'm not such an amazing person that I don't feel jealousy. It's just so hard to see. Her uncle is one of my best friends and he is constantly updating me on her status then asks me "So how are you doing?".

Yeah. Fuck you (with love).

It's not about comparing stats! I know that. But I *ahem* don't have any stats. And when she rocks out an amazing accomplishment like that (even with those creepy appetite suppression pills!) I get happy for her, angry at myself, sad for myself.

It's complex, yo'.

Tomorrow (or today - it is 3:35 am....) I promise to log all my food. It's a freaking baby step and one that I need to do. I just get overwhelmed when I fall off the wagon. There's so much to get back into. Tracking food, drinking water, going for walks, getting my ass nomadic again. SIGH.

Baby steps.

me and my nightly beer

As a writer, I'm one of those people that do things in certain ways to generate luck. Like the guy who will wear the same socks throughout the season to the hockey player who will only tape his stick in a certain way, I'm bound in my weird little tradition.

Every night once the man goes to bed, I crack open a cold beer and start writing my thesis.

Over the past week, I've generated 50 pages. And that's no laughing matter. It is amazing! The rush of writing inspiration has been insane and I'm going to ride it as long as possible.

So giving up alcohol is not really an option right now.

I know that it just makes you retain, it's useless calories, blah blah blah. But I write. Lots. So I'll do it.

I take this as a sign that my mind is not focused on weight loss like it needs to be, and that I'm just not "ready" for that mental-shift so many people experience when it comes to weight loss. And that does make me sad.

But I'm writing.

Do you have any weird traditions that aren't really "good" for you?

three flights of stairs... kill me

I had class yesterday and it was in a different building than the one I usually go to. I walked in and right behind me was my professor, a youngish guy - about 5'8, 160-170- lbs. So while I would have found the elevator, he conned me into talking with him and we steered towards the stairs. Up and up we went.

I was holding onto the railing lightly - not wanting him to think anything about how I would need the rail - while he was BOUNDING up the steps, and he kept freaking talking to me! I was already feeling the burn by the second stairs so damn.

But we talked, and I burned, and he smiled, and I felt like panting! Not from his smile - wahahah, no! - but from the freaking unintentional exercises I was getting.

It was over in less than a minute but damn. Daaaamn.

So while we kept walking and found the classroom, I managed to get my breathing under control and trying not to melt into a puddle by his feet.

We finally sat down, and I collapsed in my chair and took off my bunnyhug. As well as being a large, large woman, I have an extremely high body temp. I am always, always hot. It doesn't help that i am also fat, which just makes it worse.

So while he's not out of breath, just dandy, I am undressing, sweaty and panting.

And not in the good, fun way either!

Just another sign of how out-of-shape I am.

This sucks.

and my tummy is stuffed

So. We ate supper - rice and chicken with lots of veggies - and watch some TV. Mind you, I've only been up since 3 PM, and so supper for me is bfast. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

So we eat and watch some TV. And I'm nibbling on everything. I think I ate seven oranges, 2 apples, three pieces of ww bread. I'm just eating.

And I notice that the boyfriend hasn't eaten a thing!

He actually ate enough at supper to fill himself up, but not so much that he was stuffed. And he wasn't snacking. he ate, he met that food requirement his body needed, and he was busy doing something else.

Damn. Daaaaamn.

He's good.

He just didn't eat. How crazy is that?

I'm inspired by him. I think for a day, I'll eat like him. Just to see what it feels like.

welcome to the real world

weigh-in: 320.6 lbs

Man, that bites.

But honestly, what did I expect? I've gone and fallen off the wagon, took a flying leap off the bridge, and so forth and so forth. All those wonderful cliches that just mean - girl, you've gone and eaten the whole damn pie.