chesty cough

I'm ill. No jokes. And it bites. Bites the big one.

This means I'm actually going to go to bed at a normal hour. Rub some vick's on my chest. Take some cough medicine. And just die.

I hate being sick.

I'm actually drinking water too, as my body is craving liquids. Water is delicious. Amazing. I now love and savour my water.

We'll see how long this lasts.

the steps just about won

I thought this was funny. I went to Wreck Beach yesterday for the first time and I managed to climb back up the 400 steps.

It hurts, I'm not going to lie.

ETA:

So Wreck Beach. It's about 400 steps, from what I was told, and I can tell you this: those stairs are evil. No lie. Evil. I rested so I wouldn't pass out and watched these people just cruise by me. They were BOUNDING, like gazelle, up the steps. I felt like tripping them. Like pushing them down and cackling with glee as the bounded... bounced down the steps.

Maybe I'm the evil one.

hey you, i remember you

I'm not exactly back and on track or anything like that, but neither am I gone. I'm going through some mmmmaajjaaah emotional problems with my fiance. It's wreaking havoc on me and my weight and it's just another excuse that I'm using to eat whatever the fuck I want. I recognize that but I'm not ready to change that just yet.

In other news, good or bad, I've gotta keep writing. Keep being honest. I think that's what I need. It's a huge step for me. To say that I am FAT and it is ALL MY FAULT, if one must assign blame. This is key. ONLY I CAN CHANGE THIS. I am responsible for my body and what I put into it and how much I exercise it.

Wowza.

Lay the smack down, girl.

While this is not yet a turn or a corner or a step forward, it is an awakening. My awakening.

I am responsible for me.

I am responsible for this body.

I am responsible for the situation my body is in.

I am.

running around in circles

This photoblog of food has really opened my eyes. Holleee. I like me my Starbucks and sweets. and I really, truly am horrible at this water drinking thing.

I sometimes wonder what my trigger is going to be. Most of the super-successful weight loss people I talk have had that "aha" moment. The "enough is enough" moment. I don't know if I had that yet.

I want to lose the weight, of course. I am very unhappy with this body - and that's putting it mildly. I went to a play on last Thursday and I was barely able to squeeze into the seats. I was so uncomfortable and self-conscious. I was with my boyfriend and a friend and her new boyfriend. I was acutely aware of my rolls slipping onto her side of the seat and I was thinking "how does he see me? Does he see how amazingly funny I am or does he see my size?" It was humbling and while I really don't care how he sees me anyways (he's kind of a twat), I was thinking about my weight all night. It inhibited me and I hate that.

great pictures but where am I?

While I have been great for the last three days about my food journal (both in pictures and in ink) I have had no time for actual blogging. At least not on this blog. I'm taking the week to document my food intake, see where I'm at, to weigh in, and to to see where I can improve. Small steps, small steps.

I'm excited though, already. Documenting my food has always been a goal of mine - especially in pictures - because I need to see what I'm eating. Portion sizes, drinks, what triggers a binge and so forth.

oranges, oranges, oranges

I eat oranges a lot. Especially since the large Navel oranges came back. Nom nom nom. Some days, I only eat oranges. That's how much I love them. I'm trying to teach myself that too much of one thing is never a good thing. I can't get any protein, carbs, healthy fats or vegetables from eating oranges all day.

No matter how good they taste.

What are some of your food weaknesses? The food that you can eat all day? Everyday?

and she's back from the hiding

I don't know about this sometimes.

I'm not really doing anything to "lose" weight. I'm not tracking calories. I'm not exercising more. I'm not drinking water. I'm not keeping a food journal. Hell, I wasn't even blogging about my weight or feelings or anything like that.

I just kind of vanished.

It's hard to face myself when I'm failing. It's such an unusual state for me. Ha! That sounds super-vain but I usually succeed at almost everything I try. I'm very blessed.

But then I try and try and try to lose weight where, really, the only obstacle is myself and I FAIL... big time. So frustrating. So disheartening.

But I'm back. Facing the mirror. Doing it right. Trying again.

Hello 2010.