back and back

I am living at home. I haven't forgotten about my blog. I'm just involved with life here.

I get jealous a lot. I hate it. One of my cousins, I think I've mentioned her before, has dropped 70 lbs on Herbal Magic. She still takes those weight suppressant pills though, so once she's off that... damn. And the evil bitch inside me is... kinda happy about that.

I'm just saying.

I'm trying not to focus on her and focus on me. This isn't a race. This isn't a competition. This is my life.

I haven't really lost any weight. By the time I left Vancouver, I was up to 325 again. Today, I was 317.5. I'm happy with it and I know it's because I don't have take-out at my disposal like I did before. I'm eating a ton more red meat, a ton more carbs. It's Northern Cooking. But i'm also moving more.

There were days in Vancouver where I wouldn't leave the house, sitting in front of the computer all day. Scary, but true. Now, I'm lucky to get an hour of time in front of the computer. I'm so damn busy.

I keep trying. That all I can do.

oollllaaaa

Easter was a total bitch. Yes, I did have chocolate but I'm not worried about that. Blah. Whatevs. It was an emotional bitchfest. Man oh man, I wanted to be home. It's not like Easter is a big deal in our house but my Dad celebrated 60 years on the 1st and my god-daughter was baptized on the 4th and damn. I should have been home but I couldn't since I was here. Blah.

In other news, my food diary has gone to shit. Getting back on that.

No gain, which is good.

More water, which is freaking great. It's getting to that point where I crave it now and I feel really gross without it.

Also *cough cough* more beer, which isn't as great. In my pitiful defense, I am moving so every social occasion turns into a drinkfest. Which I kind of love, I'm not going to lie. But I am going to make the most of every occasion here, while I have it.

Just drink more water, ha!

twenty and six today

I've been floating in a food fog the last couple of days. Not really aware that I'm eating, not listening to my body, not watching what I eat. My emotional upheaval has wreaked havoc on my relationship with my man, my classwork and my thesis. And this needs to stop.

I'm turning twenty six today and damned if I'll go through another year of no change. Of no awareness. Of no personal growth and no loss of weight. I need this and damnit, I deserve this.

It is weird how emotional damage really screws you up. I could handle this if I broke my arm or something. But when someone breaks my heart? That's a whole other story. The good news is he and I are working it through and getting help - we do love one another and we've decided that this relationship deserves 110% effort. So we're doing it.

the bad news being that I'm eating shit like donuts and thinking fuck him, he can love me fat. Which is pretty twisted, as I'm only hurting myself.

But I never claimed to be rational.

We are going to be a healthy home. I have plans for us. Belief in us. We both do. It starts with cleaning out the cupboards and taking out a cook book and making a grocery list.

Here I am, yet again.

hey you, i remember you

I'm not exactly back and on track or anything like that, but neither am I gone. I'm going through some mmmmaajjaaah emotional problems with my fiance. It's wreaking havoc on me and my weight and it's just another excuse that I'm using to eat whatever the fuck I want. I recognize that but I'm not ready to change that just yet.

In other news, good or bad, I've gotta keep writing. Keep being honest. I think that's what I need. It's a huge step for me. To say that I am FAT and it is ALL MY FAULT, if one must assign blame. This is key. ONLY I CAN CHANGE THIS. I am responsible for my body and what I put into it and how much I exercise it.

Wowza.

Lay the smack down, girl.

While this is not yet a turn or a corner or a step forward, it is an awakening. My awakening.

I am responsible for me.

I am responsible for this body.

I am responsible for the situation my body is in.

I am.

running around in circles

This photoblog of food has really opened my eyes. Holleee. I like me my Starbucks and sweets. and I really, truly am horrible at this water drinking thing.

I sometimes wonder what my trigger is going to be. Most of the super-successful weight loss people I talk have had that "aha" moment. The "enough is enough" moment. I don't know if I had that yet.

I want to lose the weight, of course. I am very unhappy with this body - and that's putting it mildly. I went to a play on last Thursday and I was barely able to squeeze into the seats. I was so uncomfortable and self-conscious. I was with my boyfriend and a friend and her new boyfriend. I was acutely aware of my rolls slipping onto her side of the seat and I was thinking "how does he see me? Does he see how amazingly funny I am or does he see my size?" It was humbling and while I really don't care how he sees me anyways (he's kind of a twat), I was thinking about my weight all night. It inhibited me and I hate that.

three flights of stairs... kill me

I had class yesterday and it was in a different building than the one I usually go to. I walked in and right behind me was my professor, a youngish guy - about 5'8, 160-170- lbs. So while I would have found the elevator, he conned me into talking with him and we steered towards the stairs. Up and up we went.

I was holding onto the railing lightly - not wanting him to think anything about how I would need the rail - while he was BOUNDING up the steps, and he kept freaking talking to me! I was already feeling the burn by the second stairs so damn.

But we talked, and I burned, and he smiled, and I felt like panting! Not from his smile - wahahah, no! - but from the freaking unintentional exercises I was getting.

It was over in less than a minute but damn. Daaaamn.

So while we kept walking and found the classroom, I managed to get my breathing under control and trying not to melt into a puddle by his feet.

We finally sat down, and I collapsed in my chair and took off my bunnyhug. As well as being a large, large woman, I have an extremely high body temp. I am always, always hot. It doesn't help that i am also fat, which just makes it worse.

So while he's not out of breath, just dandy, I am undressing, sweaty and panting.

And not in the good, fun way either!

Just another sign of how out-of-shape I am.

This sucks.

and she comes back, yet again

I was avoiding this blog because honestly, I suck at losing weight.

In all fairness, I wouldn't have a blog like this if I was a success at it, now would I?

Anyways, when I really suck at something and it's my fault, I tend to avoid stuff like that. I mean, who wouldn't? It's not like I repeatedly like reminding myself things like Girl - you gotta problem with your weight. You fat girl.

Cuz that's not fun, now is it?

I revamped the colours and style because I'm not a somber, serious person. Yes, this is a serious matter, but me - I like the rainbow, I like the glitz, I like the colour in life. So I'm trying to be as true as possible. And I figure liking the way your blog looks will keep you coming back, right?

I'm not gonna say this is a new start, because it ain't. I am gonna say that my ass should not get any fatter than it is already, and I gots to do something about it.

And yes, I tend to toss slang and swear words around. It may get annoying, it may not. But it will be there. I warn you now.