moon cycle

In the past six months, my periods have been right on with the Moon cycle. Every full moon, I start my flow. It's a little TMI but I think it's really interesting.

My professor, who's Dogrib (I'm First Nations as well), tells me it's because my power is strong here and being in tune with Nature is a way of rooting it and grounding it so I can use my power.

I like that.

But what is also gives me is heavy cravings. MacAttack last night and did I eat. I did feel super-gross and greasy afterwards but I refused to let myself feel shame.

So I failed.

SO I faltered.

that doesn't mean I should give up.

That doesn't mean I should stop.

Everyone makes mistakes.

And it was good to let go of that "punishment" set of mind.

It felt good to let it go and focus on my next steps, my nest success.

twenty and six today

I've been floating in a food fog the last couple of days. Not really aware that I'm eating, not listening to my body, not watching what I eat. My emotional upheaval has wreaked havoc on my relationship with my man, my classwork and my thesis. And this needs to stop.

I'm turning twenty six today and damned if I'll go through another year of no change. Of no awareness. Of no personal growth and no loss of weight. I need this and damnit, I deserve this.

It is weird how emotional damage really screws you up. I could handle this if I broke my arm or something. But when someone breaks my heart? That's a whole other story. The good news is he and I are working it through and getting help - we do love one another and we've decided that this relationship deserves 110% effort. So we're doing it.

the bad news being that I'm eating shit like donuts and thinking fuck him, he can love me fat. Which is pretty twisted, as I'm only hurting myself.

But I never claimed to be rational.

We are going to be a healthy home. I have plans for us. Belief in us. We both do. It starts with cleaning out the cupboards and taking out a cook book and making a grocery list.

Here I am, yet again.

the why...

I know why, on a physical level, why I'm fat. I eat too much. I eat too much carbs, not enough veggies. I don't drink water. I don't exercise. I'm a lousy eater with no physical movements.

But I think there's more to that story.

I get very nervous when I think about blogging about this, but I think it's something that should be said. It's about being honest and I need to face this in connection to my over-eating.

I was sexually abused as a child.

...

Yeah, that's a hard sentence to write.

Now, I have come out with this to my parents and family and spouse. They know. They knew when I was twelve and told, finally. We have dealt with it as a family.

But I haven't dealt with it enough, it seems. I don't see how an emotionally stable person can gain 150 lbs in 3 years. I don't see how that is "okay" or "normal" or even acceptable.

I don't know how this affects me on an everyday level. I do know when I go home and see him (he's a cousin) at a family gathering, I feel sick. I don't talk to him. I ignore him. And he is never invited to my parent's house, at all. But I only go home maybe two or three times a year.

My eating habits are a mess, I do know that. I don't think I'm an emotional eater. I don't see food as my "friend" who comforts me. It's a fuel. But I do eat out of boredom. That mindless eating thing. I do that, when I'm watching a movie or reading. I don't really have triggers but I do eat food like sweets and chocolates when I'm on my rag. I get cravings really bad around then.

I don't know. I'm thinking of seeing a councilor lately. To help me see the connection between the abuse and my current weight problems, IF there are any.

I think that I worked so hard at not showing this as a weakness in my relationships that I placed this darkness somewhere else. But even that seems vague and far-fetched.

So that's where I am right now. Trying to be more honest with myself, no matter how scary my truths.

hey you, i remember you

I'm not exactly back and on track or anything like that, but neither am I gone. I'm going through some mmmmaajjaaah emotional problems with my fiance. It's wreaking havoc on me and my weight and it's just another excuse that I'm using to eat whatever the fuck I want. I recognize that but I'm not ready to change that just yet.

In other news, good or bad, I've gotta keep writing. Keep being honest. I think that's what I need. It's a huge step for me. To say that I am FAT and it is ALL MY FAULT, if one must assign blame. This is key. ONLY I CAN CHANGE THIS. I am responsible for my body and what I put into it and how much I exercise it.

Wowza.

Lay the smack down, girl.

While this is not yet a turn or a corner or a step forward, it is an awakening. My awakening.

I am responsible for me.

I am responsible for this body.

I am responsible for the situation my body is in.

I am.

running around in circles

This photoblog of food has really opened my eyes. Holleee. I like me my Starbucks and sweets. and I really, truly am horrible at this water drinking thing.

I sometimes wonder what my trigger is going to be. Most of the super-successful weight loss people I talk have had that "aha" moment. The "enough is enough" moment. I don't know if I had that yet.

I want to lose the weight, of course. I am very unhappy with this body - and that's putting it mildly. I went to a play on last Thursday and I was barely able to squeeze into the seats. I was so uncomfortable and self-conscious. I was with my boyfriend and a friend and her new boyfriend. I was acutely aware of my rolls slipping onto her side of the seat and I was thinking "how does he see me? Does he see how amazingly funny I am or does he see my size?" It was humbling and while I really don't care how he sees me anyways (he's kind of a twat), I was thinking about my weight all night. It inhibited me and I hate that.

why I want to lose the weight

I want to grow old with my man.

I'm getting married in eleven months and all I really want is to be able to look him in the eyes and say: Yes, I will grow old with you. I will be there. I will hold our grandchildren. I will be by your side.

Right now, I don't feel like I can make those promises to him, let alone myself.

I have all these dreams of being with him. I want to travel like I see other people do. I want to have a ton of grandchildren. I want to watch him play with those said grandchildren - he's so good with kids. I want to us to start our own businesses. I want us to laugh and cry and laugh some more for year and years. And I want to be there. that's just it. I want to grow old with him and not die and not leave him too early.

I want to live with him. For a long, long time.

It's scary and sad that I have to worry about that, but I do.

*click on photo to go to source*

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to play on sports teams again.

I learned to skate when I was three. I played on hockey teams (with the boys) until I was fourteen. I remember going to hockey camps when all my friends were spending weeks at the beach. I remember changing in the boy's hockey room and being the only girl there. I remember when I first learned to skate backwards and how thrilling it felt to be able to move so swiftly. The feel of the thin blades beneath my feet, the coolness of the air inside a rink, the slash of ice as we skated back and forth, doing drills. Man, I miss hockey.

I started playing soccer when I was eight. I played on soccer teams until I was eighteen. I remember spending weeks at soccer tourneys and sleeping in a tent. The sweltering days, playing under the burning son. I remember the secret thrill of picking my usual number - 16 - and getting that jersey with my last name sprawled across the back. the nervous tension in my stomach as I waited for a game to start. The cattiness and absolute unity of a girl's soccer team. I miss the feel of running and kicking and breathing and success.

I started playing softball when I was thirteen. I played in summer softball tourneys until I was eighteen. My brother would wake me up, tell me to get ready and I would throw on some shorts, a sports bra, a tank, and away we would go. Playing random mis-matched teams, before we could have breakfast or coffee. The feel of the bat vibrating when I would hit a ball, long and hard. The crazy absolute insanity of running towards a ball flying towards you, trying to catch and tag at the same time.

And during all this, I was also playing volleyball, badminton, basketball and plenty of school sports. I ran long distance track (1000m) as well as high jump and the 100m. I was athletic and busy and a team player. I was a part of something that depended on me for my skills and athleticism.

I miss it. I miss being able to play with the boys and being a top-gun on the field. I want to be that girl again. The one usually chosen as Captain. the one who liked winning and had no problem giving it her all. The one chosen first for a team.

I miss that girl.

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to beautiful on my wedding day.

I know that a lot of plus-size brides are fabulous and gorgeous women. I've read about the weddings of a few bigger brides that rocked their dress, rocked their make-up, rocked their wedding day. they look so happy and content and in love. I love that.

But I don't think I can feel like that about my own body and image on my wedding day if I look like this. If I feel like an alien in my own skin. If I look in the mirror and see rolls and miles of flesh and lumps and just a general unhappiness.

Don't get me wrong - I love my life. I'm a very happy woman, despite my blog posts. I love life.

But I do not love my body. I am not happy with my body. I feel like I have let my body down.

So I want to lose some weight and tone up and feel beautiful on my wedding day. I don't expect to be super skinny but I expect to be strong, to be proud, to feel like I have done everything possible to make my body match my expectations.

This is why I want to lose weight.

why I want to lose the weight

{source}

I want to have a baby.

I'm engaged. Getting married next fall. And as soon as we say "I do," the birth control gets thrown out the window. We've been together over eight years already and we are both ready - mentally and emotionally - to take that step.

I'm just worried my body is going to make it harder to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and to deliver a healthy baby.

I want to get my body at a healthy weight so I can carry my baby in good health, for it and for me. I want to use my body to its full advantage. I want to be able to say that I did all I could to make sure my baby came into this world healthy. That I took care of myself. That I took care of us.

Right now, if I were to miraculously get pregnant, it would be a hard pregnancy.

So this is a goal to work towards. A dream I'm dreaming. A status I want to achieve. Motherhood.

This is why I want to lose weight.