twenty and six today

I've been floating in a food fog the last couple of days. Not really aware that I'm eating, not listening to my body, not watching what I eat. My emotional upheaval has wreaked havoc on my relationship with my man, my classwork and my thesis. And this needs to stop.

I'm turning twenty six today and damned if I'll go through another year of no change. Of no awareness. Of no personal growth and no loss of weight. I need this and damnit, I deserve this.

It is weird how emotional damage really screws you up. I could handle this if I broke my arm or something. But when someone breaks my heart? That's a whole other story. The good news is he and I are working it through and getting help - we do love one another and we've decided that this relationship deserves 110% effort. So we're doing it.

the bad news being that I'm eating shit like donuts and thinking fuck him, he can love me fat. Which is pretty twisted, as I'm only hurting myself.

But I never claimed to be rational.

We are going to be a healthy home. I have plans for us. Belief in us. We both do. It starts with cleaning out the cupboards and taking out a cook book and making a grocery list.

Here I am, yet again.

great pictures but where am I?

While I have been great for the last three days about my food journal (both in pictures and in ink) I have had no time for actual blogging. At least not on this blog. I'm taking the week to document my food intake, see where I'm at, to weigh in, and to to see where I can improve. Small steps, small steps.

I'm excited though, already. Documenting my food has always been a goal of mine - especially in pictures - because I need to see what I'm eating. Portion sizes, drinks, what triggers a binge and so forth.

and she's back from the hiding

I don't know about this sometimes.

I'm not really doing anything to "lose" weight. I'm not tracking calories. I'm not exercising more. I'm not drinking water. I'm not keeping a food journal. Hell, I wasn't even blogging about my weight or feelings or anything like that.

I just kind of vanished.

It's hard to face myself when I'm failing. It's such an unusual state for me. Ha! That sounds super-vain but I usually succeed at almost everything I try. I'm very blessed.

But then I try and try and try to lose weight where, really, the only obstacle is myself and I FAIL... big time. So frustrating. So disheartening.

But I'm back. Facing the mirror. Doing it right. Trying again.

Hello 2010.

well, that didn't work out.

Life just got in the way.

It's always something. I will be doing it again, as part of those crazy new year things where everyone is motivated to go to the gym and get healthy.

But I will.

The boyfriend bought roller-blades yesterday. I'll be getting some after Christmas. We plan to blade around Stanley Park. I think the first time I'll bike and then after I get some local areas down with the blades, Ill try the Park. It is insane. I wobble like a kid learning to walk when I blade, but it's fun and it's active and it's something that me and the man can do together.

I'm excited and happy still. I'm doing crazy well on my thesis and I feel good about that. Now that my mind is in a good place, my body should follow. I'm even drinking water as I type. Woohoo for water.

my cousin sucks... and rocks

My cousin joined Herbal Magic Weight Loss and lost 50+ lbs over the last six months.

I kind of hate her now.

I say that with total love.

It's that jealousy thing, you know. I'm not such an amazing person that I don't feel jealousy. It's just so hard to see. Her uncle is one of my best friends and he is constantly updating me on her status then asks me "So how are you doing?".

Yeah. Fuck you (with love).

It's not about comparing stats! I know that. But I *ahem* don't have any stats. And when she rocks out an amazing accomplishment like that (even with those creepy appetite suppression pills!) I get happy for her, angry at myself, sad for myself.

It's complex, yo'.

Tomorrow (or today - it is 3:35 am....) I promise to log all my food. It's a freaking baby step and one that I need to do. I just get overwhelmed when I fall off the wagon. There's so much to get back into. Tracking food, drinking water, going for walks, getting my ass nomadic again. SIGH.

Baby steps.